a world on fire

time

Namjoon gets his wish. It's just a few days later when he's sat down in an uncomfortable chair in a doctor's office. He stares at the posters that are fixed to the white walls. There's pictures of pups, barely a few days old, held protectively in their proud parents arms as they smile warmly at each other. He knows exactly what the posters are meant to do. They're meant to make him think twice before swallowing the little white pills that sit in the palm of his shaking hand.

He thinks about it then, because the posters aren't speaking to him. They're debating with his inner omega. He imagines himself holding onto his pups, staring down at their little sleeping faces. He wonders if they'd look more like himself or look more like Jungkook. He wonders what they'd name them, what sort of people they'd grow up to be, whether or not they'd take after their father and become alphas too.

He feels a steady hand rest on his trembling shoulder, and looks to his left to stare into his pack alpha's brown eyes. Jin doesn't say anything, probably because he doesn't know what he'd even say. The pups growing inside of him aren't meant to be Jungkook's anyway, they're supposed to be Jin's, but Namjoon knows that Jin doesn't want that. It's nothing personal, it's just that none of them are ready to take care of pups yet.

He has no job, and is pretty much broke. Their crappy apartment is barely big enough for all seven members of the pack to live together. Jungkook is the only one with his own room, and if he gave it up for Namjoon to turn it into a nest he isn't sure where he'd put him. But first Jungkook would have to come back home for that. Namjoon still hasn't seen him. He hasn't spoken to him, and none of his pack has told him where he is. They don't even mention his name when Namjoon is around. They act like he's dead, and Namjoon is sick of it.

The omega glares down at the little pills with hatred raging in his heart. He hates how his inner omega is begging him to throw the pills away, to run far away from this sick place and find his alpha so that they can raise their pups together. But he doesn't want that. He doesn't want an alpha. He doesn't want Jungkook.

So he raises his hand up to his lips and swallows the pills, flinching as they roughly travel down his dry throat. He doesn't feel much of anything, although he wasn't exactly sure what to expect anyway. The pills sit like a heavy anchor in the pit of his stomach, and anxiety gnaws away at his chest. He feels guilty, but he knew he would do, and he hates himself even more as tears slip from his eyes.

"Joon, it's okay," Jin soothes, his voice calm, "can I touch you?"

All Namjoon can do is nod weakly as the older alpha slowly pulls him into a hug, gently cradling him within his strong arms. His face is pressed into Jin's scent gland so that his plush lips are connected to his hot skin, and Namjoon whimpers as he breathes in the rich floral scent of the alpha. He's always loved his hyung's scent, ever since the night they met, and today he finds himself melting into the older boy's touch even more than usual.

He's aware that the doctor has returned but Namjoon ignores him, sulking in his alpha's strong arms as Jin talks with the doctor. If it's anything important his hyung will tell him later, but for now all Namjoon can focus on is his pack alpha's hands on his back and the twisting in his gut. He doesn't know how the pills work but he doesn't want to know. All he knows is that they'll extinguish the life growing inside of him, and that's exactly what he wants.

When the doctor leaves again Jin pulls him up, securing his arm around the omega's skinny waist to stop him from collapsing down to the ground like he'd almost done on the short walk here from the car park. He hates how weak he's become, but he can't deny the fact that he likes having his pack alpha's body pressed up closely to his side.

They take their time leaving the office, slowly walking past other omegas that quietly wait their turn. They offer Namjoon knowing looks with sad eyes, and he grimaces, hiding his face in Jin's shoulder. He's lucky that he has such a good pack alpha to rely on, because he knows that many of the omegas sitting in the small waiting room don't have anything close to what Namjoon has. Namjoon has a pack, even if it's a little bit broken right now. But what's broken can be fixed, he's destroyed enough things in his life to know that, and his pack will be fixed with lots of love and plenty of time, he's sure of it. He can't bare to think of the alternative.