a world on fire

clouds

The soft and fluffy white clouds miles above of the omega float by in the wide blue sky, gazing down at him with pity as Namjoon lays in the long grass. It's slightly damp from the rain earlier but he's way passed caring now, and it actually feels good to have the rainwater soothing against his hot skin. He runs his fingertips through the blades of grass, coating his fingers in the acidic rain. He's always loved this park, returning to it whenever he needs time to himself to think.

But he isn't thinking much of anything right now. All he can feel is a hollowness in his chest, empty and sterile, the space where his pack used to be is like a cavern, dark and depressing. He's sad. That's all he feels, and he lets the feeling spread over his tired body like ocean waves dragging him down. He stares up at the clouds, naming the various types and pointing out the shapes to himself.

One cloud is flat and round, like a pancake, and Namjoon finds himself remembering the times that Jin had surprised them all with massive pancakes for breakfast, throwing his diet out of the window for the day. Another cloud floats past him that looks like a guitar, and a memory resurfaces of Yoongi teasing him in his bedroom as he studied, strumming on the out of tune instrument without much skill. The next cloud to pass by him is shaped like a flower, reminding him of Hoseok's scent and the happy personality that goes along with it. He spots one high up in the sky that looks like a beer bottle and he remembers all of the times he got drunk and messy with Jimin. The next one looks like a little puppy and his chest aches as he thinks of Yeontan, Taehyung's dog that lives with his parents.

When a cloud that's shaped like a small bunny drifts far above his head he starts crying again, and he doesn't make any attempts to wipe the tears away. He can't really move right now anyway. He's stuck, rooted down into the grass and soil as though he's become part of the earth. If he doesn't move, if he stays here, the earth will swallow him whole. Grasses and weeds and flowers would cover his body, shielding him from the bright sun, and he'd return his body from where it had came from.

He read once that their bodies contained entire galaxies inside of them and that every inch of them was created with stardust, and Namjoon considers how much of a waste it had been when a star had died to give birth to someone as weak and selfish as he is. He doesn't deserve this life that he's been given when he'd just thrown away his bonds like they were meaningless. He knows he's lucky he didn't die right there and then when he'd severed the connections, but it doesn't bring him much relief.

Namjoon smiles, the movement sick and out of place when he realises that since he cut the bond between himself and Jin he doesn't have to listen to his alpha order anymore. He can return to that same bridge and this time actually climb the railings and jump to his death, and it's tempting, so tempting that the omega starts to consider what would happen if he actually killed himself.

There's a good chance that no one would ever find his body, and he knows he'd prefer it that way. If he disappears completely the pack will never have to know what happened to him. It would just be like he'd vanished, a star that burned brightly for a few good years until it had run out of energy and faded away to nothing. His sky is empty, void of any twinkling lights when there used to be six of them right there, shining down on him with love and warmth and care.

But Namjoon had never deserved any of it, not when he could burn down the bridges so easily like that. He can't even remember what his life had been like before he'd met and joined the pack, but he knows it wasn't anything like this. He knows exactly what he's missing now, and he finds himself imaging the new life that the pack will build without him.

They'll find themselves a new omega, he's sure of it. If they want pups that badly they'll have to, and Namjoon can't stop the jealousy that chokes down in his throat as though a large hand has wrapped itself around his long neck to cut off his airways. Their new omega would be everything that Namjoon couldn't be. Loyal. Obedient. Beautiful. Their new omega would carry their pups with pride and would be worshipped and loved, and Namjoon's eyes brim with fresh tears as he pictures the pack with happy faces as they build themselves a family.