a world on fire

almost normal

It almost feels normal, sitting at the kitchen table with his pack members. Of course, Jungkook isn't back yet and Namjoon knows that it's going to be a while before he returns, but at least he feels like something is finally happening now. And it feels good to be acting like things are how they used to be, before he presented, before he had his innocence stolen away from him.

Yoongi and Hoseok are bickering about stupid things like music mixing techniques and whether or not Sprite is better than Coke while Jin looks on at the pair of alphas with fond eyes, clearly amused as the two boys snap back at each other with weak insults that don't really dig any further than the surface of their skin. Taehyung is sitting down next to Namjoon, one hand fiddling with chopsticks while the other rests firmly against the omega's thigh again. Namjoon finds the touch oddly comforting, and he keens as Taehyung rubs at his leg in a soothing gesture as Yoongi flares his nostrils and pumps out his minty scent as Hoseok pokes his arm.

Jimin is with Jungkook this time, and still no one has told Namjoon where they're keeping the youngest pack member. He guesses it's probably where they all disappear to whenever one of them is going through a rut, and his chest aches at the thought. He'd never been present during one before, but now he finds himself longing for it, but it's only natural. He tries to accept himself for what he is now. He has needs that will have to be filled, and he's not an idiot.

Jin has been helping him to track his heat, and if they're right it's going to hit him sometime next week. A plan has already been set into place. Jimin will be right there with him, ready to coax him through the process, while Hoseok will be the alpha mating with him. It's nothing personal against the other two alphas but Hoseok is a soft alpha, with a calming scent, and Namjoon knows he isn't ready to mate with his hyungs just yet, especially not his pack alpha. The rest of the boys will go to wherever it is that they're keeping Jungkook until Namjoon's heat passes.

It won't be as painful as before, and that's all Namjoon has to latch onto when he feels himself starting to get sick at the idea of being mated again. But it will be different this time. This time he'll have Jimin there to help him, and Hoseok has already promised to be slow and gentle with him. He can't help but blush as he thinks of Hoseok mating with him, and from across the table he can feel the heated stare of the older alpha as he catches a quick scent of Namjoon's sudden arousal.

He grows slightly damp in his boxer briefs but thankfully no one mentions it, although he doesn't miss how Taehyung's grip on his thigh tightens. Namjoon pushes away the thoughts of the mating before he gets too wet and instead focuses on shovelling large mouthfuls of food through his thick lips. It's good, and he groans from the taste. He's actually going to be able to keep food down now and he whimpers, earning him a concerned look from his pack alpha.

"You okay, little omega?" Jin asks, reaching across the table to gently swipe his fingertips across Namjoon's hand.

He flushes at the nickname and swallows down some rice, "Yes hyung, it just tastes so good."

"You're too kind, Joonie," Jin beams, but Namjoon can feel how smug and happy his alpha is to receive a compliment about his cooking.

The table eases into a comfortable silence as Yoongi and Hoseok stop bickering, but Hoseok flinches every now and then as the older alpha kicks at his feet from under the table, making sure that their pack alpha doesn't catch them acting like pups again. Namjoon missed this. He'd deeply missed it, and his chest aches at the thought that both himself and Jungkook almost died. They would have been leaving their pack behind, their family, and Namjoon's hold on his chopsticks loosens.

He inhales a sharp breath, sucking in the scent of cinnamon. He's wearing the younger alpha's white shirt, at Jin's suggestion. If his pack thinks that wearing the shirt will help him get used to Jungkook's scent again then he's not going to put up a fight with them. He wants Jungkook back, soon, even though he feels sick to his stomach at the thought of seeing him again.

It can't be helped, but breathing in the rich scent of cinnamon drags up painful memories of that night. It was three weeks ago now, but it almost seems like a lifetime to the omega. He has nightmares about it now. Vivid dreams of large hands constricting around his waist, phantom touches to his scent gland and sometimes he swears he can feel the burning stretch where he'd been knotted.

He's lucky that the mating didn't leave him with any physical scars, Jungkook didn't tear him up, but the mental scars will always be there with him now. He's spoken about it to Hoseok, the older alpha trying his hardest to get Namjoon to open up and release his thoughts. But he's stubborn, more so than an omega probably should be, but there's just some things he doesn't want his pack to know.

And he doesn't want them to know that every time they touch him now he gets a shock of fear flickering up his spine. He doesn't want Taehyung to know that the hand on his thigh burns hotly. He doesn't want Jin to know that he resents being sucked up into hugs. He doesn't want Yoongi to know that he hates seeing the worried look in his eyes. He doesn't want Hoseok thinking that he needs to see a therapist, or go back onto his pills that he'd been forced to take after he tried to throw himself off of a bridge. He doesn't want Jimin to know that laying in the same bed as him every night has started to affect his sleeping.

But most importantly, he doesn't want Jungkook to know that he's broken now. He knows the younger boy so well, better than he knows himself, and if he let the alpha know what was really wrong with him now he knows that it will destroy him. Taehyung's words echo in the omega's racing mind then. It wasn't Jungkook's fault. He'd saved the omega, but the bond is still tainted with the young alpha's guilt. He needs Jungkook to know that it isn't his fault.

He needs to see him.