I was trying to write a poem called "Solo Armor" after Catalina Rios poem "Sanctuario". This poem modeled her words "solo amor" but instead I changed them to "solo armor". And In doing so, I believe that I am reinforcing to myself to be guarded toward mom. She isn't the best person. She's quite actually a monster towards herself and the people she loves because she takes on this role of caring for others so deeply and in such a caregiver sense. She has been deeply wronged by life, and I don't want to wrong her any longer. Yeah she's done some fucked up shit like kick me out, hide money from me, ask Ahmad if I had an abortion, and other things. But she has given me life, she has given me this peculiar ability to intuit relationships and people. She has given me experiences in which my words personified. She has given me the tools to heal from what she has torn apart from me. She has given me love in the rawest of girls. Filled with envy, anger, hate, insecurity, disrespect, yet with the upmost dedication to pushing through it. And I think that's why I love her. Lol.
I convinced myself that her love for me was nonexistent. But what happened was that she cared for others more than me, but her love wasn't gone. I guess that's why she constantly says that I was the one that pushed her away first, that I was the one that refused her hugs and kisses. But that isn't so. I guess she saw that her love came flawed, and I was the only one that reflected that back to her.
But this honestly breaks my heart. As I'm getting older, as I'm understanding her role in my life, as I'm typing this after my first hypnotherapy session, I'm realizing that she has helped shape me into who I am today. And I've treated her like shit for caring for others.
I hold grudges. I bring up her flawed love because I am afraid to show her love. It was not reciprocated before in the way that I wanted.
But now that I'm getting better, from the money that she sourced for me, I want to tell her that I'm sorry and that I love her.
She didn't mean to care for me less, because she knew that I was grown, that I could survive through anything if I could just get through her flawed love.
She isn't perfect, she tells me that all the time. And nether am I.
I want to hold her up to these standards that do not serve me anymore: being a caregiver for me.
She has watched me grow up and only wished that from here on out. She doesn't want to love Alanah in the flawed way that she has loved me.
Idek. I get this urge sometimes to yell her back to pieces just so that I can paste her whole again. She's a walking wound on earth. She's a doctor, a goddess, a monster, a matriarch, a cancer, a tumor, a painting, a mime, a trustful liar.
Because I know she only wishes to protect who she has around herself and her own self.
I know that she has a personality disorder. But I just wish that I could tell her this and she'll be all okay again and that pa will be okay. And that I will have a family back home and that Alanah feels that come together.
I don't want to live in armor. I don't want to be solo. I don't want to protect my body in solo armor. But I feel that sometimes it is necessary in order to survive the life I've lived. If only I could crack myself to pieces and have solo armor shelling my heart, shelling my vulnerabilities at home, then maybe I could feel solo amor in my life.
