Bye, Bye Baby

3

Jade
We pulled up, in the ambulance, outside of the hospital. My poor angel was clinging to me, she hated the hospital but it had be done, we need these tests to know what is wrong with her. I honestly can't stand living without knowing the truth. "Okay Perrie, we'll get you in a wheel chair and we will take you through to the emergency MRI scan. Jade you can stay with her but when she goes into the scan room, you'll have to stand with the doctor and watch, the radioactivity might cause something to happen to you." He smiled. I nodded and held Perrie's hand. "You'll be okay love." I whispered and kissed her temple.
***

She had just gone into the scan room, I was scared, so so scared. I had rang Jesy and Leigh to tell them what's going on, they were just as worried as me but told me to keep them updated. "Okay Perrie, stay calm, relax your body and stay still." I smiled weakly, my baby girl is so brave. If I was in Perries position, I would be clinging to her for dear life but I guess she wants to know what's wrong with herself to.

***
It's been a couple of days since the scan. Perrie was sleeping next to me, her head was resting on my chest, I woke up from the phone ringing, it was the hospital. The call ended about 20 minutes ago, through the time, I've watched Pez, and occasionally wiping the tears that were escaping my eyes. I hope she wakes. I don't want to have to tell her what the doctor told me, I don't want to repeat it. It's been repeating through my mind ever since the words came out of the doctors mouth.

I listened to Perries soft breathing, watched her chest rise and fall, her eyelids flickering, I imagined her dreams. What stories will she tell me this time? Oh I won't be able to tell her what was wrong. I just won't! Not today not ever!

Pez woke up 20 minutes ago, it was a slow waking a bit of moaning and groaning but she thankfully settled, we were cuddled up in bed now and I was trying to find the right words. "Erm Baby?" I whispered and played with the ends of her hair whilst she played with my necklace. "Hmm?" She replied. "The hospital called." I sighed she lifted her head from my chest and looked at me with a 'go-on' type of way. "Erm Baby, you have ca..." I broke down in tears. "I c-can't do it. Baby I-I'm s-sorry." I cried she instantly sat up and pulled me into her chest. "Shhhhh, it's okay." Perrie sighed, I heard her voice crack at the end, meaning she was now crying to.

After a couple of minutes of comfort in words being shared, I sat up, took hold of her hand and looked her dead in the eyes. "Baby, you have cancer." I sighed, her face went from a confused look to a look of horror and fear. She collapsed in tears. I took her in my arms, I cradled her against my body, I massaged her scalp. The very thought that my angel, my blonde baby girl, will die sooner than anyone expected. We wanted to live a happy life, watching our kids grow old, we wanted to do everything, but the live expectancy for this cancer is 12-15 months.
***

"12-15 months? Are you being ridiculous?" Jesy asked standing up from the once fully occupied couch. "Jess please." Perrie cried and looked down at the floor. "Sorry babe, I just- that's just not long enough." She whispered. "I know." Perrie whispered, still gazing at the carpet. I bent down in front of her face. "We're going to make these the best 12-15 months of your life baby girl." I smiled she returned it and jumped into my arms. My baby won't last that long, she is already on stage 4 glioblastoma. The worst type of cancer, it happens to 3 out of 100,000 a year, usually happening to males the ages of 64 and over, this isn't right. My baby shouldn't be this ill. My poor baby will die and become a really life angel. I don't know what I would do without her.

Perrie
I don't know. That's all I can say. I don't know. I didn't know I had cancer, fuck I had no idea I had cancer. It was migraines, it is migraines I can't have cancer! FUCK, CANCER! I just, 12-15 months is not long enough! I wanted children, two girls. Then Leigh and Jesy can have a girl each and we can make our own mini mix. But no! It can't happen now!! I have FUCKING CANCER! For fucks sake.
I'm led in bed now, alone. Jade is in the shower. I can literally feel anger building up from the pit of my stomach. My head hurts now as well. Well FUCK, IT ALWAYS HURTS! IT ALWAYS WILL BECAUSE I HAVE FUCKING CANCER!!! CANCER!!! I sat up in bed, I tried to steady my breathing but right now I need a good punch. I turned and picked up a decorative pillow. I led it on my knee and hit it. ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES!!!! No, this isn't cutting it. I got out of bed and walked straight to the mirror.

I looked at myself for a minute, studying my dying features, I look ill. My freckles have come out a lot now. It only ever does that in summer, right now it's November. I looked at my head, my stupid CANCER FILLED HEAD! Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

"FUCK YOU Cancer!" I screamed, I threw a punch at my heads reflection. The glass shattered all over my body. There was glass in my hand, which was now throbbing and bleeding, but I was still staring at my head. I can still see it clearly in the mirror, not a crack on it. "FUCK OFF!" I screamed and punched it again. And again, and again! "I HATE YOU!" I screamed. Not only was my hand throbbing, but my head was to.

Jade
"FUCK OFF!" I heard Pez shout. I quickly turned the shower off and climbed out. I was hearing bangs. "I HATE YOU!" I heard her scream again. "Baby?" I asked after I wrapped a towel around myself and opened the door. She was stood in front of a shattered mirror. Glass was everywhere along with blood. But she was staring at her reflection, I could see tears streaming down her face. "I FUCKING HATE CANCER!" I heard her scream and punch the mirror again. "Hey hey? Stop it baby." I whispered. I walked to her slowly. "No Jade!" She cried. I wrapped my arms around her waist. "Shhhh." I whispered in her ear. I pulled her into me, I walked backwards and slid down the wall. "Shhh baby." I whispered. My legs were split and I sat her in between them. Her fists were still clenched and her breathing was completely out of control. "Shhh babe, breath for me. In and out." I whispered, I pulled some of her hair out of her face. "Oh sweetheart, your hand." I whispered and took hold of it. She winced in pain. "Relax it baby girl." I whispered and rested my chin on her shoulder. "I- I h-hate-te c-can-cancer." She sobbed. "I know baby, me too." I rubbed her arms and stomach. "You'll be okay, we'll be okay." I sighed. She nodded, thankfully her breathing had calmed and we were just sitting in each other's embraces. My poor angel. Her hand was in a state,  her eyes were all red and puffy and the mirror, gosh she must have hit it a lot!