Bye, Bye Baby

4

Perrie
We have my first hospital appointment today, and let's just say... I'm shitting myself. I really am scared. Jade has been holding me in her arms all morning, reassuring me I'll be okay but I don't know. My mind is messed up. "Hey sweet, can you get your shoes on and then we'll go." Jade smiled and kissed my ear gently. "Okay." I sighed. I climbed out of bed and walked to my shoes, I slid them on my feet but struggled lacing them, my hand still hurt a lot from yesterday's rage. "Babe, can you help me?" I whispered almost crying. "Of course I will baby girl." She smiled and tied them up, I let out a sad, tear filled sigh. "Aww Pez, come here." She opened her arms and I slid down into them. She held me in her embrace for a while, I loved her touch, it settled me. "Don't worry about it please. I'll be with you the whole time baby." She whispered in my ear and let go of me. "Yeah." I sighed, we walked out of the door hand in hand.

***
"There is lots of different treatment that can be used, first is chemotherapy. It will reduce the size of the cancer and hopefully make your life expectancy longer, however it does have side affects such as dizziness, drowsiness, sickness and hair loss. After the cancer is smaller, we use surgery, this should get rid of most of the cancer making your life expectancy once again larger but I'm sorry to say it is not fully curable and you WILL die." The doctor was pointing at the chart, it had graphs, statistics, information and pictures but to me, it was a whole load of gobligloop. It scared me, seeing all the numbers on the piece of paper. "Can we have some time to think about it?" Jade asked my doctor... Dr. Styx. He had a nice friendly face, looked like someone who will look after you and take good care of you but it still scared me. "Of course you can my love. I will be in contact with you again in a couple of days to talk about treatment." He said back. "Okay thank you." Jade smiled. "Come on Pez, lets go home." Jade whispered. I stood up and followed her, as we walked through the hospital, I glanced at some of the patients in the rooms, most had no hair, all where connected to drips, and different machines, some had heart-broken family members surrounding them and very few had empty beds with one lonely, crying, human stood at the window. I don't want this to be our reality.

***
Me and Jade were led in bed again, it had been a long day, I was tired. Jesy, Leigh and my Mam came over earlier and we talked about treatment, we decided to go for chemotherapy but I was adamant I didn't want a surgeon poking around my head with a scalpel. My head was resting on her chest and her hand was running through my hair slightly. "I understand if you want to go." I sighed and turned away. "What?" Jade asked confused. "I understand if you want to leave me, you can go, be happy with someone who won't die." I sighed, I buried my head in the pillow and tried to hide my cries. "What makes you think I want that?" She asked sadly. "I'm dying, I'm going to get so ugly, and ill." I whispered. "I don't care." Jade replied, her hand moved to my back. "You should. Jade it's going to get bad, like really bad. I won't be able to respond, I won't be able to eat, care for myself, talk or walk." I cried, I sat up and turned to look at her. Tears were streaming down her face but I just couldn't bring myself to wipe them away, instead I just stared down at my hands which were resting in my legs. "I'm not going anywhere." Jade finally croaked out. "Why? Do you want to watch me die?" I cried. "No of course I don't, but you're the love of my life. No way am I letting you go without a fight, you will keep,fighting won't you?" She asked, she reached for my hands. "Yeah I will." I sighed. "I will try." I added sadly. "No, you will. I promise, you'll get through it." She sighed and kissed me, it was slow and soft. I loved it.

***
I was sick that night, it hurt my throat, so so so much. I refused to eat or drink anything afterwards though. I couldn't sleep because of the pain in my head, it was strong and it fucking hurt. I felt so weak, and worthless. I'm sure when Jade sees how really bad I'll get, she sees how ugly I will become, she'll leave me to suffer alone. I'd rather die happy but if Jade is happy without me, I'll know it's okay.
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Sorry it's a bit short guys but I'm not feeling too good today. I might update again tonight x
The photo at the top is a drawing I did of Jade as well. Xx