emails from me

small bump.

a/n
4/5
please brace yourself for emotional turmoil.

••

small bump.

aspen.

"why did you leave?" he asked immediately. "and i don't want some bullshit answer aspen."
i breathed deeply. in through the nose, out through the mouth

"i-uh," i stammered, a blush coating my cheeks, and i couldn't even look at him.

"what. happened?" he sounded absolutely angry, and i had no one to blame but myself.

you have to tell him.

"two months or so ago, about a week before i left, i found out something," i whispered, and i wanted to stop right there. to run away, like i've always known to do.

but i couldn't run; not from lane. not anymore.

"i was with gia, and we were fooling around lane," i began, and i held in the tears, holding them at bay as long as i could.

"gia knew," he hissed, and rage was sketched into his features. it wasn't even a question, more of a statement. an accusation. he could not blame this on her, not one bit.

"no, no! i mean she knew what the stick said, but i told her it was a mistake and the next day, i told her i took another test, and said it was negative. i'm not sure if she believed me, but she didn't know what happened, and she doesn't know why i left. why i stayed." i'm speaking so quickly i can't breathe, and i know lane must be confused, but i can't help the words from tumbling from my lips.

"you're-?" he murmured. "are you pregnant?" his voice is nothing above a whisper, and i don't acknowledge his question, and continue on with my story.

"i took a pregnancy test, yeah. and then i decided i needed to see my mom, lane. i mean, how could i become a mother, without fixing things with her? how could i raise a child, without being sure i wouldn't turn into her?"

"aspen," he tried, but i was on a roll.

"i was going to tell you as soon as i got back. i mean, of course i was terrified at first. but then i couldn't wait to tell you about the baby inside my tummy that was half you and half me."

i can't even look at lane, thinking about what i'm about to tell him. what i'm about to admit to him.

"it was supposed to be a quick trip lane. it was just going to be a few days. i mean, i knew you'd be angry, but when i told you about the teeny tiny us inside me, it would all be okay."
"but then i started to get really bad cramps. and i was over at cathy's, my friend who works here. who's desperately in love with conner," i can't help but add, because i'm trying to ignore the fact that tears are gushing down my face. i don't want this to be real. i'm ready to wake up from this nightmare.
"i was at cathy jay's and oh my god lane, there was so much blood, and i couldn't stop crying, and i knew what it meant, god lane. i knew what it meant, and i didn't want the thoughts in my head to be real."

"i didn't even drink or do anything bad, i wouldn't hurt our baby."
i'm sobbing so hard i can't see, or breathe, and i know i can't stop, and even though i want to slam my mouth, it keeps going.
"but i did."

my vision is blurred, but i can still see that i'm not the only one crying.

"my baby, our baby, our little tiny forever, wasn't so forever anymore."

i try to step away from lane's arms, but he only pulls me closer, holding all my shattered pieces together.
we slid down to the ground, pulling me into his lap along he way, and i didn't have one care about sitting on the dirty parking lot asphalt.

"and lane, i thought you'd be mad. i didn't even tell you, and you never even would've known. it was my fault the baby passed; it had to be. i knew you would hate me. i would hate me! i killed our baby, lane! i mean she was in my stomach, i should've been able to keep her alive!"

lane's crying almost as hard as me, if not more. my hair was matting from his tears, and i'm sure i've stained his shirt.

"you didn't kill our baby," he choked on his words, and if at all possible, he held me tighter. "you didn't aspen. god, i never, ever want to hear you say anything like that again."
i disagreed, but didn't say anything.

we sat there for i don't know how long, holding each other, and crying.

we were giving each other our own pain, and i don't think i've ever experienced anything as beautiful, or anything as heartbreaking as what i felt right now.

"the baby?" he mumbled, his voice thick with the tears he was now struggling to hold back. i nodded for him to continue.
"you said her?"

i didn't say anything for a few beats, worried he'd think i was crazy when i told him what was going on in my mind.

"she's a girl. i know she was. i could feel it lane."

"a little girl?" he asked, sounded slightly giddy. i hated that our baby girl that i had been carrying would never experience the intense spoiling her father would have put her through.

"yeah. a little girl," i wanted to smile, but i couldn't. he nodded.

"and aspen?" i nodded for him to go on. "i could never hate you. and our baby is up in heaven, or whatever better place there is after this hell we call earth, looking down on us. and i bet you all the money in the world, that, that little ball of sunshine is so upset that her mama's crying, and wants nothing more in the universe to see you smile."

that almost brought on a new wave of tears. but with the new thought of my baby looking down at me, stopped the tears. i let my mouth form into a weak smile.

"that's my girl," lane whispered.

••

a/n

is anyone as emotional as i am right now?

it was hard for me to write this, and i imagine very hard for some of you to read this. for that, i apologize.

this was the big thing. are any of you surprised?

anyone change their opinions on aspen?

i really want to hear your thoughts!

ps sorry for the delay on posting this!! i didn't have any service all day yesterday at all, from traveling!

please please please vote for this! i saw how much you guys can vote, last chapter, so 800 votes for the last chapter!

did anyone cry during this chapter?

please vote and comment! :)

OH AND any additional questions for the q & a should be asked here!