The Need to Become Fearless

"Thinking will not overcome fear, but action will."

"Hi, I'm Jack." He pauses for everyone to acknowledge him before he continues.

"Last time I didn't really get in to it, but I think this time I'm ready to share a bit more. I'm... afraid of heights. Hills, bridges, tall buildings, they're all a no-go for me. I guess it all started when I was much younger. Around five or so? I'm not sure, I try not to think about it too often. Anyway, I'm the youngest of five, and my siblings are all quite a few years older than me. So one day, we go to the fair and there's a roller coaster there. I didn't wanna ride it. But my siblings sort of pressured me into it." He pauses and chuckles.

"They made fun of me and called me a baby. Anyone with older siblings knows that's like calling someone a pussy. Sorry, can I say pussy? I don't mean to offend." He's floundering and stuttering over his words, but I find it... endearing? It's hard to suppress a laugh as he looks around with wide eyes.

"So, eh, they... make fun of me... and convince me to get on. The whole wait in line I'm regretting my decision and nearly pissing my pants. My heart was beating out of my chest and I felt sick. But finally, we were at the front. And that's when my life changed for the worst."

He adjusts in his seat as if trying to brace himself for the next part of his story. The curvy legs tensing in the chair like even now he was on the ride in his head. The dark brown bangs of his hair falls over the almost unreal quality of his bright blue eyes

"One of my sisters gets in the in the seat first, and she smiles and waves for me to join her. Even now I can see her face. Almost too excited to be on the ride. I sit down next to her and one of my brothers sits down on the other side of me. They strap us in, and he whispers not to worry. That I'll love it once it starts. I believed them, or at least I remember trying so hard to believe them.

I don't really recall anything else that happened until that first huge turn on the track. Happy screams were surrounding me, but I was too busy wondering what that noise was. There was this..."

He lifts up his hands and curls his fingers as if to help himself to explain what he heard. The other members of the group lean in, shuffling their chairs to make sure that they don't miss even a single word. Even I find myself moving my seat a little closer beside him, and he glances for the fleetest of moments.

"Like...like a soft grinding sound," he continues. "It felt like it was coming from underneath our feet. I opened my mouth to say something, but between the wind, and the screams I knew that no one could hear me at all."

He puts his head in his hands and shudders, grabbing at his hair with a sigh. Finally he takes a deep breath and looks back up and around at us all, but his eyes are a little more shiny, a little pink around the edges.

"There was one part on that use that went upside down. One. Fucking. Part. And while we were in the middle of that goddamn corkscrew, the ride freezes. Just comes to a soft stop, like it was supposed to do that. At first we were confused, like maybe it was all part of it? But after a few seconds of not moving, I started to panic. And when the ride attendant came over a bullhorn and told us to sit tight for a few, I really panicked. My brother and sister tried to calm me down, but it didn't work. I mean, look at me now. Just imagine how tiny I was then! The entire time I'm thinking, 'I'm gonna fall out. I'm gonna fall out. Look at mom, 'cause you'll never be able to again.'"

He sucks in a breath and lets it back out shakily. He's really feeling it now, and I think I should stop him from going on. I don't want to upset him, that's not the point of all of this.

"Jack, you don't have to continue..." I falter at comforting him, but he holds up a finger and shakes his head.

"No, it's good. This is good. I'm here for this. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Thinking in seconds away from death. So my mom, who I was trying to memorize every detail of starts wailing, only my adding to my stress. She was leaned against the fence telling us that she loves us so much. It was hell. We went on like that for three hours. Three hours! The fire department had to let us down. Do you know how scary it is when someone unclasps your harness when you're what feels like a million feet above the ground? It feels like you're gonna smack the pavement and the last time your mom sees you, you're gonna be a pancake. But, eventually they got us all down. I cried and hit my brother," he chuckles as he wipes his eye. "That was the last time I was ever willing to be high up. I'm hoping that changes."

He ends the last words on nothing more than a whisper, and the rest of the group is trying their best not to stare. Each of them is failing, but none of them are failing as badly as me. I feel my eyes frozen on his face as he turns to take a needed sip of water out of one of the complimentary paper cups. The blue eyes just showing the slightest wetness of tears from reliving his horror, but refusing to fall onto the slender cheeks. He notices me looking, and I shift my gaze elsewhere, but it was already too late. We both knew that we needed to talk away from the harsh lights of group therapy. Just the two of us, and soon.