The Need to Become Fearless

"Feel the fear, and do it anyway."

I decide to stick around for a bit after the session. Is it because I want the left over coffee or because I'm not quite sure I'm ready to leave? This is the first time in a long time that I've felt so... light? Like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I had everyone's attention as I shared, and it felt good. If my story can help even one person, then it was all sort of worth it, wasn't it?

"Good job, Jack," a woman that I haven't met yet congratulates me as she leaves. I nod with a polite smile and take a sip of my now cold drink. This coffee is shit.

Another man gives my arm a playful punch as he walks past and my confidence only grows. I did the right thing today. Maybe tomorrow I can take the first steps towards progress? What if I went to the mall to ride the escalator? Fuck, what if I went sky diving?

I chuckle to myself, knowing that'll never happen. I throw my head back and gulp down the rest of my drink before I start for the door, walking on air.

"Jack, wait up!" I freeze and spin around, surprised to see Mark running towards me.

"Hey, I just wanted to tell you that... that your story was great." His smile seems genuine, and I can't help but laugh at the phrasing.

"My story of being terrified was great?"

His face goes from a gentle smile to one of slight embarrassment at the words.

"Oh, Christ," he mutters as a hand flies up to cover his mouth. "I didn't mean it like...I mean..."

I giggle and gesture that it's fine.

"I understood what you were meaning. Sorry, I'm prone to giving people around me a hard time. I'd blame my Irish heritage, but my family would probably disagree."

He chuckles, looking slightly more pink around the cheeks than before.

"Anyway, snarkiness aside, thanks. I can't believe I'm saying this, but this group actually seems to be working for me. I'm really glad I came. You're doing an awesome thing here, man." His smile falters just the smallest bit as he rubs the back of his neck.

"Yeah... thanks. I'm glad to see someone actually getting something out of this. It's been a long time since it's actually worked..." he seems to get lost in thought for a moment, staring past me at nothing in particular.

"Well, as long as it helps someone, it's working." I circle back to my thoughts from earlier, trying to bring him back from his dazed state.

"Right. Yeah, you're right. Thanks, Jack." I grin and nod again, before deciding I should take my leave.

"No, thank you. It was a good night. I can't wait for the next session. I should get going, though. I'll see you next time?"

"Of course," his face is cordial as I make my way towards the door.

"Unless you want to maybe grab a coffee or something before then?" He asks hopefully and I stop in my tracks.

"Don't think I haven't noticed you sucking the entire pot down... And it's really terrible coffee. Maybe we can talk more outside of this shitty gym?"

The sound of the question feels funny in my ear. It's not like heights has ever been so crippling that I never went out and did anything, but still, the idea of going out with another person at all seems odd in my mind.

"It's nothing that we have to do," he says, looking somewhat concerned at my lack of response. "Just if you feel comfortable with it is all."

"Like a date?"

His dark eyes look even more strained at the mention of the word, and he rubs the back of his neck with his hand again. By now it's just the two of us left hanging around. The rest of the group all filed out quickly to get to their car in the massive parking lot outside.

"Well, I'm not quite sure...is it weird for me to be so nervous just asking another person out for coffee?"

I giggle as I roll the question around in my head.

"Probably if you don't do it very often. Honestly I can't even remember the last time I went out anywhere that didn't involve just me, but yeah, I'd think some coffee that's more than barely room temperature with be nice."

The look of relief on his face almost makes me laugh again, but I'm able to keep it together until he gives me his cell phone number. I leave the hall with only a faintest of understanding of what just happened, and if the next time I was meeting him was supposed to be a date or not. It feels odd to ask such a question now that I had already agreed, but I guess I'll just have to wait until this Friday at 2:00pm to figure it out.

Talking in front of a crowd about how my greatest fear started, and a kinda sorta date all in the same day. Maybe fear is finally getting to be something I can handle after all.