I'm Sorry (boyxboy)

I'm Sorry 8

I'm Sorry 8

Dear Whatever,

So, I saw Mr. Xaviae twice yesterday. I saw him during the therapy session and then later when I went out to a restaurant after my mom went to work. She had to go to work at 3:30, so I stayed home for a couple hours reading Looking for Alaska by John Green. I met him at the restaurant. I hadn't even noticed he was there until I bumped into him on the way to the bathroom. He acted just like he did in therapy. He acted like a wall. I'm curious about him though. Why does he have to be kind of a jerk towards people he plans on forgetting? Why not be nice to them while you know them?

Well, I'm not really nice to him either. He asks too many personal things. I know, it is his job to ask them, but I really don't like talking to him about my life. I would rather we talk about him or something. I'm sure his story is a lot more intriguing than mine. Though, he seems like a locked diary with the key thrown away. Ugh, he annoys me.

In therapy he asked me about how my school life was. I sort of freaked out because I had forgotten all about Triton. I wish I could forget everything...

"How is school life?" He asks, tapping his pencil on the clipboard. Something I've noticed that he does a lot more often. My breath catches as all the guys that forced me to give them blow jobs and hand jobs flash through my mind. Triton forcing me in the bathroom flashes through my mind and feel my breath come out uneven. I can't hyperventilate. Not like this... Not in front of him. I stand up and stumble towards the door, needing to get out.

Suddenly, Mr. Xaviae is next to me, rubbing my back soothingly. I look at him, wondering if his expression is still wall-like. It is. I push him away, my breath coming back to me normally. I smile at him, but it is fake. I don't feel it. "What a stupid question. School life is great, I learn new things everyday." The lie rolls off of my tongue easily. I've practiced this speech a million times just in case my mom will ever ask me about school.

"You're a terrible liar." He murmurs, leading me back to the couch. He sits down beside me and stares at me. "Why did you freak out?" He asks, eyes watching my every move. I bite my lip and sigh.

"School wasn't exactly a friendful experience with lots of learning." I chew on my lip nervously, avoiding eye contact with him. "You'll pity me. You'll think I am disgusting and wish I was out of here." I tell him. Mr. Xaviae touches my shoulder. I turn to look at him.

"I won't think of you any differently then I do now. This isn't a pity session. I already told you that." He studies my features with his unreadable chocolatey eyes. I take a deep breath, wondering why on earth I am even opening up to him.

"I was forced to um..."

"Its okay to say whatever words needed, we're both adults here." He says.

"I was forced to give a lot of the guys bjs and hand jobs. There was this one guy... Who forced me to have sex with him multiple times and if someone else tried to go farther than bjs and hjs he would beat them up. He has not only done that, but he has beaten me up. My mom invited him for dinner, this was the most recent, and I told him what happened during my childhood. He apologized for all he did and I easily forgave him. I made him dinner and we kissed... I thought we were going to be friends. I pushed him away when I thought it was going to go farther and he got mad. He said something about always wanting me and then left before I could tell him I wanted to go slow." I pause, remembering how sweet the kiss had been.

"Then, the next day he tells everyone I seduced him and a not so true version of my childhood. Sure, it had a little truth, but it hurt. I didn't think he would do such a thing. He was the last straw." I feel tears threatening to escape and I look away. I take a deep breath as a tear falls down my cheek. I glance up at the clock. Its almost 3. I look down, wishing he would move away from me. I am disgusting and broken. I don't think I can be repaired.