A Loaded Smile

Chapter Twenty Three : Mine

* Adam POV *

I lay wake in bed, watching the sun creep through the clouds outside, looks like a rainy day, perfect to reflect my current mood. My heart constantly throbbed thinking about what happened early this morning. I'd be sitting up all night waiting for Tommy to come around. I tipped my nose down to glance at my sleeping beauty. His face was so flushed, snuggled into my chest and breaths now light and easy. I don't know what happened, he got out of control and I couldn't help him, what was going on inside his head I don't think I'll ever understand. I could try my hardest though. Tommy's nightmares are getting worse, they even out with his fantasies but that doesn't mean anything, they may keep him from screaming in the middle of the night but I don't want that for him at all. I just want to help him, I want to keep safe and warm. Sometimes I just don't know what to do though, there's so many people that come to me for help and that talk to me about their problems, I'm exhausted. If I could I would sleep all day and stay up all night just to avoid people bugging me. My head doesn't work that way though, and then there's Tommy, I need him to keep me level and he needs me. I couldn't go a day without talking to him or seeing him, I would be so scared he was mad at me, or upset. If he ever left me I think my heart would stop beating. I'd let him leave though, as much as it hurt me inside , if he didn't love me anymore, if he shut me out of his life I would let it be that way. I know I can be over bearing and needy at times even. So it really wouldn't surprise me if one day he came up to me and told me to shut up, that he was leaving.  

I guess I can't think like that though, he did sign a temporary contract, that must mean something right? I felt his arm twitch and saw his eyes roll around under their lids. I should wake him up before he gets another nightmare. I lightly rocked his curled up body in my arms as if bouncing a baby to sleep. Funny how the effect is opposite now we're grown.  

" Hey baby, Tommy wake up." He stirred a bit, groaning lightly as he brushed whatever invisible thing off his nose. " Baby....wake up. It's morning." I kissed his forehead, just at the end of his brow and he nuzzled close into my shirt before his eyes flickered open. They were red and stained with sorrow but I'd fix that. I'd kiss him until the demons that haunted his thoughts all disappeared and died in the dust that laced the contours of his brain. " Good morning beautiful."  

Tommy's cheeks turned a slight pink as he gazed up at me, hair all tangled in knots I swear he never brushed it. I still loved it, the way he looked after just sleeping, my gorgeous but still groggy gentleman. His brows furrowed in confusion for a moment as he stared out the window at the lightened sky. " What ha-?"  

" It's okay." I cut him off , already knowing the spew of troubling questions he was about to ask. " You just had a bad dream. I'm here it's okay."  

" No... Adam..." He tried to get up I could already hear the panic in his tone, brain probably remembering every detail. I held his shifty body tight in my arms. 

" It's okay Glitterbaby I've got you. You're safe with me. You don't want to get yourself worked up again do you?" I know Tommy, he's like a kitten sometimes, scared of everything and whatever feelings or memories that were stuck in that head never escaped. He would be awake all night just thinking about all the mistakes he made in the past if it wasn't for me singing him to sleep. That seemed to be the only thing that soothed those aching wounds. My voice, my touch, my words. I was okay with that though, I wouldn't want to lose him.  

Tommy took a deep breath and settled into my grasp. " No..." Seeming defeated as if some point he was fighting so hard to prove right was just dubbed wrong.  

" So let me take care of you baby, don't fight me. Just listen okay?" I know he didn't like too, even though all of what I said registered perfectly fine in Tommy's head he still didn't believe in what I was saying. The truth he's known all his life just seemed to overpower the new light I tried to get him to step in. I never really asked him what the root cause of all theses things were, maybe one day I'd get it out of him but for now he was just closed off. I think underneath he was still upset about his dad and the fact that Isaac was yelling at him about his cutting problem probably didn't help any.  

That was another problem I had to take care of. Isaac knew Tommy was mine and only mine so why was he making this so obvious to me? Even to himself. I don't really give a fuck who Isaac dates but it's none of his damn business to come snooping in on my relationship with Tommy and have the audacity to try and steal him away from me. It seriously is pissing me off. And of course Tommy is completely oblivious to the fact that Isaac is subtly hitting on him, I don't know what I was going to do about all this drama. I just need to take a break from life for a while but I can't now can I? I have to meet Monte and put up with Isaac and apologize to Cam today at the concert, then help Tommy and make sure he doesn't get into a fight with Isaac and just ugh. There's so much stuff that needs to be done and I can't just ignore it all. I'm so not ready to finish the rest of this tour. My head needs to be in the game and in the clear. But it's not, everything is like a lightening storm up there, I'm not one to talk about all this shit though.  

" Adam..." I shot back into reality, tearing my eyes away from the random space one the wall. Tommy was staring into nothingness as well. I guess we both kind of just got lost in our thoughts for a moment. " Yes baby?"  

" What if I lose you?" His voice cracked with worry. How could he ever think that he would lose me?  

" You won't."  

" How do you know that? I'm so broken Adam... sometimes I just feel like..." He took a deep breath biting on his lip. Was he afraid to talk to me about this stuff? Was he afraid of how he felt?  

" Feel like what?" I needed him to tell me.  

" I just wanna... cry. And I can't." I know that feeling. Even though Tommy cries quite a bit in his sleep, he never lets anything get to him just in out of nowhere in the day. It's always this unconscious plea for help. Help he'd never straight out ask me for.  

I cupped his face in my hands, forcing his watering eyes on mine. " Listen to me." My voice strong and clear. No hesitations or second thoughts. " You are not going to lose me. I'm here forever, there's nothing you can do or say that will make me walk away from you. I love you. You're mine." He closed his eyes as the last two words rolled off my tongue. Lips shaking as he struggled to get the words out.  

" Tell me again?"  

I furrowed my eyebrows a bit. What was he talking about? I think I knew. " You're mine." He went to nudge his head forward and I let him. He kissed my neck tenderly, cheeks turning pink. Did he like when I told him that? Did it make him nervous or something?  

" Say it again?" Tommy's voice needing and wanting, it turned him on?  

" You. Are. Mine." He pecked my collar bone sending a shiver down my spine. I liked it too. If it made him feel good to hear me say it. I would. Over and over again.  

" I love you." He whispered softly into the crook of my shoulder and neck. 

" I love you too baby."  

I held Tommy close in my arms. I think he will be okay in time. Once he learns and listens everything will work out. The first step to getting through this mess though was today. I had to face Isaac and Cam and Monte, and still put on a show, smiling and laughing through all the wreck I had created for us. Here we go.

A/N: I am so sorry for the late update and short ass chapter but I have good reasons! I was at my freinds house for a week and ouldn't update and then my sister's wedding with this tuesday on the eigth so I was really busy! This is what I got to though so I hope you don't all hate me LOL! Please keep reading !!! * Glahugs and Glamkisses *