A Loaded Smile

Chapter Thirty : I'm Not Going Anywhere

* Tommy POV *

I want out, where am I? Dead? I can't move, I can't see, but I can feel, I'm so cold... wait what's that noise? It's so muffled I must be dead. No. No I can't be dead this isn't happening to me, what happened? Come on Tommy Joe, think. What the fuck happened? What do you remember? I remember red. And bright lights and fuck, my head. There was so much yelling... Adam. I remember Adam... what got me here? Where was here? What's that sound? God dammit Tommy THINK! Who was screaming? Why was there yelling? The stairs... the fight... I got pushed down the stairs. Shit. I must be dead... no I can't die. I can't. Wait no, there's noise, I can't be dead. Dead people can't hear anything can they?  

I felt warm skin on my forehead and I tried to focus. Listen... listen. You can do it.. you can do this. Listen. There was a friction against my thumb. Someone else's hands, long fingers. Adam. It was Adam. I could feel my heart racing. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to kiss him and hold him and do everything to get a close to him as humanely possible. I couldn't. I was stuck like a statue, frozen on the spot but I could hear his dry and raspy voice. Was he crying?  

" I'm so sorry Glitterbaby. I didn't mean to let you get hurt like this. It's all my fault."  

No Adam, it's not. It's okay don't cry please baby. 

" Please, you gotta wake up. Please don't leave me."  

I promise I'm not going anywhere Adam. I'm here. 

" Please wake up Tommy. Please I know you're in there somewhere. Please wake up."  

Fuck what could I do? It's so hard, I can't move, how am I supposed to force what feels like thousands of rocks off my body? How can I show him I'm still here? I hear him, I feel him. I want to see those beautiful eyes. I want to be able to kiss him back.  

" I hope you can hear me..." Adam sniffed and I felt my chest clench. Wanting to cry but no tears produced. " I can't stay baby... I have an interview. We're cancelling the rest of the tour. Kevin is furious but I don't think you'll be ready... it's been too long." Long? How long had I been like this? What was this? I must be in a hospital I can hear the monitor beep... that's my heart rate? It seems so slow... was I dying?  

I started to panic. I'm here Adam! I'm here! Wake me up! Someone wake me up! I can't go now! Please someone wake me up! I could hear the beeping going faster. Faster and Adam cupped my face with one hand, squeezing mine with the other. It felt like my fingers were going to break. I couldn't breathe.  

" Nurse? Nurse!? Someone?!" 

Rushed footsteps echoed in my ears and things became muffled again. No don't fade, don't fade. Stay awake. Just stay here, stay with Adam. " He's losing oxygen. Heart race increasing. Page Doctor Doncor, we need to intubate." There was panicked voices and I heard Adam's cries in the background. The noise was fading ... it hurt. My chest hurt so much and I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't move.  

Save me Adam. Save me.

***

My head... my throat. My mouth was so dry but it was as if I was drooling. There was a tight and uncomfortable feeling running down my neck... every couple seconds my lungs overloaded with air. This fucking sucked. Where was Adam? How do I get out of this? How? Why isn't there a secret instruction manual permanently scarred into our brain to help get out of situations like this? Would I ever? Would I ever see Adam again? Would I ever move my body? Would I ever get to punch Isaac in the face for putting me like this?  

I had to try my hardest. I had to get out of this. There's no question about it. I couldn't stay here and just let myself waste away into nothingness. I wanted my life back but I didn't know how to get it. I need to go see my family again, as much as they hate me and as much as everything that happened between us mad me hate them, I still need to see their faces again. It's too soon to join dad. I wanted Adam and a family and life with him, I wanted to play my guitar again and go to concerts. Listen to music and write it to maybe change a life, or even save a life. Like music saved mine. And I couldn't do any of that if I was stuck here like a fucking vegetable now could I? No.