Chrysanthemum • 菊

His last words.

"I love you, my.. chrysanthemum.."

Those were his last words. The lasts sounds that I could ever hear from him. Tears roll down my cheeks as I silently observed him in his hospital bed. I tried not to weep, but I failed.. I love Arthur, so much.. I miss him.

- • - - • - - • - - • - - • - - • - - • - - • -

18年 7月 23日 ー 9:27 AM

Dear Journal,

おはよう。It has been a month ever since Arthur died.. I couldn't stop thinking about him. Yao told me to move on, but I don't think I ever can. I'm alone now. I'm isolating myself from the world.. I even avoid conversations with Germany and Italy..
I miss my emerald so much. I miss his morning kisses, his hugs.. I miss this joy I feel when I'm around him. Sadly, they all faded like ashes. My depression was higher than ever, since he was gone..

Please, tell me there's nothing wrong with me.

- • - - • - - • - - • - - • - - • - - • - - • -

I took a sip from my tea, staring at the static TV, laying myself under the kotatsu. I heavily sighed as I hear the rain drops from outside. "It's raining again..", I spoke to myself. Suddenly, thoughts began to splash in my mind.. Those times when Arthur and I used to cuddle in days like these. Where are those moments now? Gone. Forever.

The static got louder as the rain did, as if they were competing. Well, this is good. No one could hear me crying. My tea has been infected with my tears, so I managed to get rid of it. I went to the comfort room and looked at the mirror. There, I saw.. a monster. A monster who didn't have the courage to save and protect his lover.

I've been holding unto Arthur for so long, but I never had the strength to protect him.. I should be, but what's this? I can never bring back the past. I can't undo my mistakes, and I've finally learnt from them. I have so much guilt on my shoulders. So much, too much.
I twisted the tap, turning it on, and formed a cup with my hands to wash my face. I looked at the mirror again, and seems like this monster doesn't want to go away. I wiped my face with a fresh towel, and went back to my room.

There, I laid back on my bed.

"..If only I did something.."

".. Something to save him."

"But, I did nothing."

"I never wanted him to die."

"Now, what did I do? I.. left him to die."

"Great job, Kiku."

I started overthinking, causing more stress to form in me. My brain kept telling me that I were heavily worthless. I agree. I am worthless. I did nothing. Nothing at all.
Arthur didn't deserve a pitiful person like me, but he still managed to love me.. even though I'm.. a worthless crap. I never deserved Arthur. I never deserved to be loved by someone like him. I never deserved to be loved by anyone..

Tears kept forming in my eyes, and seems like I can't ignore them. I didn't have any other solution to comfort myself, but I do have this method. I used to do this all the time, when I had my depression; which is every time. Even when Arthur was still alive.
I reached for the drawer, then pulled out a cutter. I didn't hesitate to do it. It hurt, but in a good way. It was a method to help me cope with my feelings. I wanted to die. I wanted to die, so I can be with him again, and ask for forgiveness. I sliced. Once. Now, blood has started to drip off of my wrist. I was still very teary.

I sliced again. Twice. I was thinking, Arthur saw me cutting before. He stopped me. Why would he? This is the only thing that makes me happy, next to Arthur himself. I should've died first.

I sliced again. Thrice. I now have three bleeding wounds on my wrists. I never regret any single drop of blood, though it stained the bed. My tears have disappeared. I managed to smile, though I don't know if I really am happy. Smiling makes everything better, right?

I stopped. Since I remembered; Arthur doesn't like the fact that I do this. He says, "You're important to anyone, but you're a treasure to me. Kiku, please.. stop. I love you and I don't want you to hurt yourself.", I'm not hurting myself, aren't I? I'm making myself happier than I am right now.

I put the cutter back in the drawer, and looked at the body mirror. Cuts in my neck, cuts on my arms and wrists, cuts on my legs.. I never knew I did this a lot of times. Why didn't I die, though? I still remember those years where; whenever I did this, Arthur would give me medical treatment as if I needed one. That made me even happier, knowing that he cares about me. He loves me, but do I love myself?

I wiped the blood off my wrists. Yes, it hurt, but in a comforting way. I remember Arthur doing the wiping-off-blood for me. He didn't encourage me to do this, though. In fact, he was really pissed. But he cuddled with me afterwards. Oh, good old times. Thinking about those just makes me feel that Arthur was still here.. but I know he isn't.

If only I didn't go to work that day. I should've saved him. I should've saved him from this.. illness he never told me. The only way I knew about it, was when Francis called me. Why would Arthur ignore all these? I never even saw him take medications. He cares too much about me, even though I'm a worthless crap. He didn't even take time to care for himself. I didn't even take time to care about him. All I did was to work and work. To earn more money for whatever needs. I never even took time to ask how he was. And I knew it was too late to say "愛してる。。".

I can't believe how pathetic I am. I can't believe that Arthur loved a person like me. I should've died first, after all, I'm old. I deserve to die. Yao has told me a lot of times to avoid overthinking, since it causes a lot of stress; well, I still do. I still am stressed even if I don't overthink.

It's just.. I miss Arthur. I want to be with him again.. Embrace him, cherish every moment with him in the afterlife.

And say "I Love You." to him. But I know, it's not easy.

It's not easy to move on and do these. It's not easy to just leave the past. It's not easy to avoid all the circumstances and negativity and only point yourself to the positive path. Not everything, not everyone; is happy. Nobody is actually happy. They just pretend to be, only to avoid the negativity surrounding them.

I don't want to avoid negativity; since I know that it's a part of our lives.

And that is why I tend to appreciate negativity.

.. I'm only positive when Arthur cheers me up.

I don't know why, but it's the truth.

/;

18年 7月 24日 3:12 AM

Dear Journal,

I've prepared the noose, the chair, and other stuff. There's nothing more to prepare, right? I don't know if this would work, but this is the only way to get me back to Arthur. Not by time travelling, but to make myself descend to him by committing suicide. It's not that I'm doing this because I want to "end it all". I just want to "fix it all". I can't stand thinking about my mistakes from the past. I can't stand thinking about all I did wrong. I want to fix them. I want to forget all of them.

- • - - • - - • - - • - - • - - • - - • - - • -

I know, suicide isn't the best way to be with him. Though, it's the only this I can do to be with him.. once again. I don't even know if I'll meet him up there, or I'll end up in hell. It's quite weird thinking about this while I'm playing with a キクテイ doll. This doll was given to me by Arthur, and I cherish it as much as I cherish his other gifts for me. His love, is one of those things he's given to me. And that's what I cherish the most. Up until now, that he's gone.

He didn't even get to propose to me yet. Yao didn't want us to. Well, I didn't care. We stayed as lovers and we'll end up as one. I won't even bother finding another man, other than him. His emerald green eyes.. And the way he comforts me in my problematic situations, he's better than perfect. I didn't deserve him. He didn't deserve me.

Put that aside, I used to be an enemy of his. The Anglo-Japanese war.. it was horrid. We didn't have intentions of hurting one another. It was just.. fucking America. He.. I won't even want to talk about it.