Don't Stop

Chapter Twenty Nine

We were now in London. It was their last show of their tour and we all decided to celebrate. There was a club that the boys were wanting to go to that night so we all decided to dress up. I wanted to put fake tan on but couldn't do it myself so Luke decided he'd do it for me. I was kinda scared how it would turn out with him doing it but I agreed.

"Right.. how much do I put on the spongeey?" he looked down at the sponge confused, the bottle of tan in his hand.

I giggled a little. "Just a little.. and then you just kinda spread it all over my body.." I had only used this stuff once but it was so long ago.

"Riiightt...strip off then!" he said, winking at me cheekily.

"Shu'up you!" I replied, pulling my t-shirt over my head and slipping my skater skirt down, leaving me standing bare in my hot pink bra and embarassing floral knickers.

I flushed bright pink as I looked down at my body. Luke had never had a proper look at me in my underwear. Yeah, he had seen me skipping about in just bra and knickers but not where he had to stare at me and rub an orange liquid on me. I felt so awkward. I suddenly remembered my scars. I had a past of self-harm. Really bad self-harm. Before I met Luke, I was majorly depressed. I had tried suicide many times and was getting better, but I would often relapse. My scars were unbearably obvious. I had never told Luke about it, I didn't want him to worry and he wouldn't of even been my boyfriend if I had told him, I mean, who wants the broken toy?

He hadn't noticed the scars that covered parts of my body yet as he began rubbing my arms with the tan. I held my breath every time he went over a group of scars. My forearm, my hips, the tops of my thighs, below my breast and ankles.. I know these sound like bizzare places to cut but I didn't want anyone knowing so I wanted to be able to hide them easily. No one ever found out until I was found in the school toilets crying as I cut down each thigh with a sharpener blade I had stolen from a classroom. I was on recovery now, but I still couldn't have Luke knowing. He would leave me, I know he would.

After he had finished with the tan and covered every inch of skin on my body, he stared at me. Not like a romantic stare like he usually does. But, a dark and angry stare. I was so scared. His blue eyes weren't calm and soft like the sea anymore, it was like they were massive stormy waves, drilling into me.  He took a massive sigh as he crossed his arms, and continued to stare.

"What....?" I mumbled, beginning to panic now.

"Are you gonna tell me?" he asked as if I knew what the fuck he was on about.

"What?" I questioned, totally lost and confused.

"Your scars?" he told me. I felt my eyes pricking up with tears. Fuck. Stay strong Lola, he can't know. He can't know. He can't know.

"What scars?" I replied high pitchedly. Trying to sound as innocent as possible.

Luke shook his head at me, looking towards the ground as he shuffled about. I wanted to run away from him and just burst into tears but I couldn't. I was shaking a bit now, breathing really heavily, panicking.

"I'm not fucking stupid!" he was yelling now, scaring me stiff.

I held my breath, not wanting to say anything because I was too frightened.

"Tell me!!" he shouted, coming closer.

"Just tell me" Luke was whispering now, he looked like he was going to cry as his hand ruffled through his hair and he dropped his arms.

"There just stretch marks.." I told him, taking a big gulp before I did so, holding back the tears.

"Aw, shut the fuck up Lola. Yeah, cos stretch marks cover your thighs, your belly, your fucking ankle?!" he was shouting again, he sounded so mean but I didn't care.

"Don't lie to me! Don't be so pathetic!" he repeated it, letting it echo throughout my head. He knew it was hurting me, why the fuck was he carrying on?

"There self-harm scars okay?!" I screeched back, now letting floods of tears fall from my eyes, holding my mouth to stop myself from wailing.

I ran out of the bathroom, grabbing a towel and locking myself in our room. I glanced over at my razor in the en suite bathroom and cried harder. I wandered over to the razor, beginning to pull out the 3 blades that sat neatly in their little compartment. I was screaming as I cried, letting it all out. I could hear the boys behind the door with Luke, whispering and muttering.

"Whats wrong with her?!" Michael asked worriedly.

"Dunno. She's just being pathetic." Luke replied.

What. The. Fuck. I wasn't being pathetic? He didn't need to question me like that! He didn't need to be such a dick, calling me pathetic. I know I'm pathetic, I used to get told it every day at school. I couldn't help the horrible memories come rushing into my little terrified mind. The names, the cutting, the fight with Luke.. I was 5 months and 3 days clean today.

Don't do it Lola. DON'T FUCKING DO IT.

Your pathetic. Even Luke thinks so.

5 months and 3 days..

Pathetic. Worthless. Die.

The voices in my head whispering at me. I grabbed the blades and let it glide across my skin. Pushing it in harder and harder in each cut, watching the blood pour out of my legs and wrists. I had never cut my wrists but I didn't care. I just wanted to escape.

The boys were pounding on the door now. I couldn't hear Luke though.

"Let us in!!" Ashton screamed.

"Lolo! Please?!!?" Calum yelled, his cute nickname for me.

"Hun, please! Let us in!!" Michael shrieked over their voices. I loved it when he called me hun.

They could hear my cries so I guess it was shit scary for them. I didn't care though.

You don't care about them, when they care so much for you! Bitch.

The voices continued to rattle through me, making me cut more and more. I shrieked with tears throughout it all. I started calming down as I brought myself to put the blade down. Blood was racing down each leg and arm as every piece of skin was covered in deep cuts. From my wrist to elbow and from my top of the thigh to my knees, not a patch of skin was left. I looked at them, so angry at myself.

"I'm so stupid.." I muttered as one last salty tear fell onto my thigh. I felt so silly.. I made such a massive over-reaction. It was just a fight. But, I couldn't stop thinking about how I've lost Luke. Had I lost Luke? Or hadn't I? I shook the thoughts out of my head.

The boys had stopped knocking and shouting. I had a text from them all though. Each one saying how they hope I'm safe and how they care about me so much and they're always here for me. I smiled as I replied back, saying that I'm okay now and just going for a shower. I wasn't going to let them know. Luke would have told them but I musn't let anyone know I cut again. No one can know.