how could four days grow four feet of divide? simple, a foot a day, simple. everything's a math problem to him - give me another one, he says - how many breaths does she breathe a minute, how many words? riddle me this, love, at what velocity does my heart quicken when you enter the room? can you know the math of love? or is it more abstract, like the way god is everything and nothing, love is everything and nothing, i am everything and nothing, or maybe just nothing, it was nothing important he said and i wanna say everything, everything, everything you do is important you are my everything, and you are my nothing, like the space in my soul and my heart and my mind is space because it was carved out only to create you and that is why you are my perfect complement, fitting together like lego blocks, but even lego blocks can hurt when you step on them, they are independent and i'm sorry for stepping on you, love, i'm so so sorry but the damage has been done and you definitely made a mental note of that and it's my fault, i stepped on you, and that's why we're better as friends, i've got the short end of the stick and sorry, you'd rather go alone to this one but you'll have lots of dances left over but every time i apologize you just get nicer and it would really help if you were crueler about this so i would have a reason not to like you, a reason to get over it, a reason to say, 'boys are trash, who needs 'em anyway' but your kind words just make me fall for you even harder so you're not trash of course and of course I need you anyway but you'll save a dance for me anyway and unbeknownst to you, you will be my first slow dance but is that a form of romantic rape? that you would be a part of such an important, intimate moment without knowledge or consent and i'm sorry, i really am, so i go to jail for rape, and you're there too, but just a visitor, visiting the girl who kidnapped you but you like anyway and that's why you didn't put up a fight when she tried to make you bury her alive but you left an airway, but no airway for me, no sirree, so i'm drowning, suffocating in your presence because you know, but you don't know, of course, because how could you ever know without having living as i do in the empty space of my mind and my heart and my soul that they carved out to make you but i know that you know you almost know and that knowing makes it worse when you say that you've done this before enough that you don't get hurt anymore my heart hurts and fractures, cracking louder than it did when you said you didn't like me, until you're not dancing with me like you said you would but with her but she told me she's not into you and i wanna tell you, i really do, but none of it will matter anyway because you are you, handsome and smart and funny, and i am me, breathing too loud and talking too much, and you don't like me so i start a fight because god, i'm so tired of everything and nothing, everything and nothing, i've got bruises all over and who can say if i am imagining the ones that appeared on me when you danced with her instead and ached when you brushed me off during 'perfect,' purple and terrible, or the ones i created when i fell on my ass with those slippery sandals on that damn floor, and of course it wasn't a promise, just like you (of course) didn't day that i talk too loud and breath too much because (of course) those are (& i quote) the worst reasons in the world not to like somebody but you don't say they aren't true but when you read this i'll be sitting right next to you like always because 'it's not the short end of the stick if we're friends' and all that shit so i wait until my roommate's asleep to cry or to write this but you know where to find me, just like i know where to find you. we all have our names on the damn doors at this school anyways.
