Fallen Angel

☼ CHAPTER ELEVEN

☼ JT

SO...XAVIER IS ACTUALLY a dead man. That's fun, right? That's totally fuckin' normal. That's not crazy at all.

Yeah, no. I'm lyin' through my teeth. This shit has me so confused, I wanna bang my head against a wall. Is Xavier a Fallen Angel? Is that why he never comes to Heaven with me? Is that why he told me he's been to Hell before? I guess that's how he knew so much about Angels then, 'cause he was one. But more importantly, was Xavier ever really dead in the first place, like Luke used to think? How did he survive? Did he become a Fallen Angel after he "died"? Who else knows he's still alive?

There are so many things I just don't know, that I wish I could ask. But Xavier and I don't talk about our pasts. It's a line we don't cross. We both established early on that we had shitty upbringings and that we weren't gonna talk about 'em, and that was the rule. We never crossed that line. Focus on the present and make the future bright. That was how we lived.

But is that how you're supposed to love? I always imagined I'd fall for someone who'd wanna know everything about my childhood. I wanted someone who was eager to know what carved me into me. What gave me life and made me laugh and inspired me and made me sad. Someone who wanted to know every tiny, insignificant detail from my childhood, from what I ate for breakfast to who I sat with at lunch in high school. Someone who'd encourage me to talk about myself, and all the good, bad, and ugly parts of me. Someone who I'd want to know everythin' about, too.

I don't think it's fair to say that Xavier didn't care about me or my past. I always thought he was just scared. That if we talked openly about my past, that I'd demand to know everythin' about his. And maybe that scared him because he wasn't ready to talk about it. But Luke seems to think it's because he was hiding somethin' from me. And to be honest, I don't really know what I think yet.

I get what Luke's sayin', about revenge and how bad some Fallen Angels can be. But honestly, I'm not sure these big bad Fallen Angels exist. I mean, nobody I know has ever encountered a Fallen Angel, much less an evil one. And if no one's ever met one, how do we know they're really bad? If this is the case, and evil Fallen Angels don't really exist, then I don't see what the big deal is if Xavier is one. I was one. Luke is one. And neither of us turned out evil.

The thing that Luke doesn't understand is that Xavier isn't the revenge-type. He's a good ol' pacifist. For example, he doesn't get road rage. He never honks or flips the middle finger. He would never cuss someone out. Oh, and one time, while we were out for a walk, Xavier stopped to teach a little boy how to properly tie his shoes after he'd just purposely cut us off on his little green bike. Y'all, I nearly swore at this kid, zoomin' around in circles all over the street. Meanwhile, Xavier was patiently teaching him an important life skill. Patience is a virtue, and Xavier is chock-full of it. (Spoiler alert: I am not).

I really wish Luke and I could see eye-to-eye on this. I stayed at his house for another hour after he told me his suspicions, tryin' to get him to understand that Xavier isn't a bad guy. It just didn't seem to matter what I said; he wouldn't change his mind.

"Listen, JT," he said, leaning forward to prop his elbows on the table. "I trust you. You. But I need to trust my gut on this one." Luke sighed, putting his chin in his hands and squeezing his eyes shut. "He's not the same person I knew. Who knows what that could mean?"

When Luke finally opened his eyes, I felt like I was seeing them for the first time. They were so rich, so hazel. Like a forest with the tallest pine trees. Like emerald and amber rolled into one. I'd never noticed how beautiful the colour hazel could be, but I was momentarily mesmerized. And maybe it's stupid, but I swear I felt somethin' in that moment. I felt like I was fallin' into him, into the depths of his soul. And I saw something while I was there. I saw vulnerability.