Fallen Angel

♱ CHAPTER NINETEEN

☽ Luke

     I MADE A PROMISE to myself. I swore to myself — to the universe, to anyone who would listen — that I would be better. That I wouldn't walk away anymore. That my first instinct wouldn't be to run.

     Because there was a time when I turned my back. When shit got hard, I walked away. I didn't try. If it required little-to-no effort, I was your guy. But anything more than that? Sorry. Not for me.

     I walked away when God gave me chances. I shut every door when I could've been opening them. I took everything for granted.

     Hitting the ice with Xavier — the old Xavier — was the only time I felt real. Like I was finally something other than useless, other than a failure. Blood pumping, skates cutting through ice like a blade through water, that little frozen lake was a sanctuary for me. A place where I didn't have to be alone.

     I blamed myself when Xavier died. I let my own self-loathing turn an accident into manslaughter. I breathed intent into something unintentional. I blamed myself.

     But I don't feel that way anymore. I don't blame myself for his death. Because the universe is so much bigger than we can even imagine. And I can't control when the universe decides to pull a sunflower from the world and replace it with a snake. I don't know why the rushing water claimed Xavier instead of me.

     Maybe I was never meant to know.

     I'm not running anymore. Not running when people confront me. Not running when I see a decision in front of me. Today, I start being better. Today, I start over completely.

     When JT pushed me away, my heart sank to the pit of my stomach. When she chose Xavier over me, I wanted to scream. But I'm not letting her make the mistake of loving him. She doesn't have to love me — I can't make that choice for her. But I can't let her love that monster.

     When she laid her hands on my chest and pushed me, I let her see the truth in my eyes. I let my walls come down. Let her see everything I felt in that moment. Every bit of regret, every bit of longing, every bit of love.

     I will always let her make her own decisions. But I will not let her love a demon.

     I have a new theory about Xavier. He's a demon too, a strong one. Even stronger than the demon inside Blaire. Strong enough to cloak himself. But he gave himself away — his eyes flash black when he looks at the Blade. I saw it over JT's shoulder when she was screaming at me. No iris, no white. Just black, depthless.

     It's not safe to leave JT, Amal, and Blaire with Xavier. But I needed him to think I had left.

     Even if it means returning to see JT again, so soon after she pushed me out of her life. Even if it means tearing her away from Xavier, letting her hate me forever.

     I don't know if she believed me, but I told her the truth. Xavier left me in Mexico with a few eerie words on a piece of paper, waiting to be read when I awoke on the dirt patch outside the Cave.

     He's playing a dirty game. I just don't know what it is.

     Leaning against the unending rock wall, I rub my face with my fists. Inside the hall, all is silent, reverent. JT must be about to use the Blade on Blaire. I don't know when to go in, to separate Xavier from them. To fight the demon inside him. I—

     Inside the jagged pass, a sword swipes cleanly through the air — but misses its mark, clattering to the floor.

     I'm on my feet in an instant, ripping through the entrance to Devil's Hall. My breath catches in my throat.