All right, take your seats, please. Hurry up now. Take your seats.
Settle down, Robert.
I don't care if William has your pencil case. That is no excuse for sitting slumped on your chair with your tie askew, your jacket still on and your finger in Maisie's ear.
I really couldn't care less if it's called a Wet Willy, Robert. The simple fact is we do not lick our fingers and stick them in anyone's orifices.
No, Robert, not even our own.
No – 'a Wet Willy for William' is not acceptable either; no matter how alliteratively pleasing it may sound.
All right, can we settle down, please? Now, we are continuing on from our previous lesson. Now, who has done their homework on Willy Russell's Blood Brothers?
I see. In that case has anyone read the passage with the policeman?
Yes, Matilda.
No, Willy Russell isn't called Willy because he was given a Wet Willy. Willy Russell is called Willy because it is a diminutive, or shortening if you will, of the name William.
No, Maggie, that doesn't mean we can start calling William Willy – not unless that is what he wishes to be called, that is.
Mr Priestly, that is not acceptable in my class.
I couldn't give a tinker's toss, Mr Priestly, threatening to drop your trousers to expose your willy to the class is neither big nor clever.
No, I'm not referring to its size – I'm referring to you, Mr Priestly.
Frankly, I don't care what Kirsty says about your willy. It is neither relevant to this class, nor conducive to the educational atmosphere we are trying to create...
I'm trying to create it.
I really don't think that is any of your business, thank you, Kelly.
Sorry?
Ah, now that is a very good question, Victor. Who can answer Victor's question?
He asked what an orifice is.
Victor did.
An orifice.
That's an office.
No, that is not the same thing, Matilda.
The appearance of several similar letters in a word does not make the words the same.
Does anyone have any sensible ideas of what an orifice is?
Nobody?
Well, orifice is a noun used to describe an opening into something. Frequently we use it to describe particular openings into the human body like a nostril. In this instance, I used it to describe the opening more commonly referred to as William's ear.
Yes, Suzanne?
Suzanne, I really wish you'd pay attention in class. It really is important that you are alert and on the ball from the moment you arrive. Everything we talk about could be vital to your exams.
Ah – that is why I am the teacher and you are but a humble student.
Yes, well I know you're not particularly humble. Perhaps if you followed Charlie's example, you'd be getting better grades...
Charlie! What's so interesting outside the window that you can't pay attention to my class?
I don't think it is.
YOU ARE READING
The Brief-Case Affair
HumorOr the story of the man who went looking for adultery and came back with a lemon. When a man suspects his wife, Marjorie, of having an affair, there are only two things he can do: assume her guilt and find another wife, or go to a private investigat...
