Love, Sex, Diamonds (Madison/You)

one

Fear.

The feeling in the pit of your stomach that spreads through your nerves, boiling and numbing every inch of you as you come closer to the belief that something you don't want to happen, will inevitably happen.

It's what drives you to make mistakes, it's what pushes you over the edge. You make decisions you would not make in a resting state of mind. You tire, and sweat, and possibly hyperventilate. The feeling that stems mentally affects you physically, and still doesn't stop there. It affects those around you, how you interact with things. It affects your whole demeanor and usually triggers your fight or flight instinct.

Well, in this case. She chose to fight.

She claimed her fear was based around her suspicions. She thought I had been cheating on her. We had fought about this many times before because the idea of cheating on her had never and would never cross my mind. But her insecurities continued on no matter how many times I told her I loved her.

And as her survival instinct was triggered, her body, her mind and everything about her, decided to go into fight mode. And unlike other people, who might've just left me, even if I did cheat, I found her in our bed, riding some spikey-haired frat boy from the fraternity down the street.

"Oh my god..." She whispered, as her hooded eyes met mine. Her flustered cheeks had pieces of her dark hair stuck to them. "Oh my god!" She panicked, hurrying off the boy's lap as she wrapped herself in the white sheets of our bed set.

My heart had given up on my chest. Instead of the rhythmic beating, the constant relief of knowing you'll be alive for at least the next moment, it had wedged itself in my throat, cutting off my words. The only thing I could let out in this moment, was a breathy scoff.

The male mistress jumped up and grabbed a pillow from the bed, my pillow, and covered his crotch with it. My girlfriend looked between me and him, her bottom lip quivering as tears pooled in her eyes.

I couldn't help but look around the room, seeing the many polaroids hanging on the walls. The frames holding pictures of moments we spent together littered our bookshelf. The ring that say in my pocket felt heavy, like it might rip a whole through my pants.

Again, she looked back at me, and before she could look back at him, I opened my mouth. But of course, I couldn't form words. My body felt completely numb, and yet still, I could feel the painful swelling in my chest.

I took in a deep breath and turned on my heel, shaking my head. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I stepped out of my bedroom, feeling as if it wasn't even mine anymore. I could hear her light steps behind me as I hurried towards the stairs, grabbing my backpack that I had just moments before, set down in it's usual spot.

"Wait, baby, please. Let's just talk about this—" My girlfriend said, her voice cracking as she grabbed my shoulder before I could take a step down. I shrugged her off of me and quickly started to descend the stairs as she let out a broken curse before running back into our room.

I finally made it down, looking around our two-story apartment. The living room wall was one big window, looking out over the bustling streets of L.A. I savored the picture before shaking my head and looking away, accepting the fact that this might be the last time I ever got to see it.

I grabbed my keys off of the marble counter in the kitchen and unplugged the charger from the wall that my phone was connected to. I started to hear her footsteps on the staircase and I rushed into the living room, seeing the black French bulldog puppy raise his head from his tiny dog bed.

"C'mon, bubba." I ushered him off of the bed, feeling my eyes start to burn as the numbness started to dissipate, being replaced with ripping pain that spread throughout my chest.