Counting Summers

Kabanata 6

Winery

Pagdating sa pier ng Balaguer ay sinalubong kami ng isang payat na lalaking nakasuot ng polo shirt pareho ng sa nagbibigay ng flyers. "Good morning po!" Bati nito sa akin. "Good morning sir!" Bati nito kay Adam na nasa likod ko.

Inabot nito kay Adam ang susi ng tingin ko'y para sa Jeep Wrangler sa harap ko. Araw-araw iba ang sinasakyan. Tinignan muli ako ng lalaki at magiliw na ngumiti, "Maligayang pag-abot sa Balaguer ma'am!" Nilahad nito ang kamay sa akin, "Lance po, anak ni Nanay Ofel at Tatay Arthur. Nakwento ka po nila sakin." Tinanggap ko ang kamay nito at ngumiti rin.

Hinawakan ako ni Adam sa siko at iminuwestra na ang sasakyan. "Raya, let's go.." Pinagbuksan niya ako ng pintuan at naglahad ng kamay para maka-akyat ako sa sasakyan, "You're not speaking to me." Nang nakaakyat na ako ay bigla niyang sabi. He's looking up at me but when I met his gaze, binaba niya ang tingin sa aking tuhod. Ang kanyang kamay ay nakahawak sa pinto ng sasakyan at ang isa naman ay sa gilid ng aking inuupuan. His hand moved to touch the side of my right knee. Hindi na ako kumibo pagkatapos ng pag-uusap namin kanina. Hindi ko mahanap ang silbi ng pagpapatuloy pa ng usapang iyon.

"Raya, hindi ko gusto yung nangyari noong gabing yun.." Nahimigan ko ang galit at pagsisisi sa kanyang boses. I want to tell him to shut up but I want to hear what he has to say. I feel like somehow, he owe me his words and I ought to hear him explain. "I filed charges, they're in prison now, I made sure they'll pay for what they did kahit wala ka doon. Xyle's testimony was enough to send them to jail. You passed out after I covered you up, you were unconscious in the hospital for days kaya nabigla ako nung pagbalik ko sayo, wala ka na."

I clenched my fists and put them in my lap. I stared at them like they are more interesting that what Adam is saying. I don't understand but I don't want to ask either. Fear is creeping in my whole system, I can't speak. "Raya.." He held my hands. "I'm sorry Rai.. hindi ko gustong gawin nila yun sayo.."

I felt a pang on my chest when he said my nickname. Ang lambing ng boses niya ay bagay sa kalmadong ihip ng hangin at mabining pagsilip ng araw. Why are you sorry? "Adam, I'm hungry." I said at umayos na ng upo. I swallowed a heavy lump stucked in my throat. Warm tears seek freedom in my eyes. No. He let out a sigh and closed the door para makapasok na sa kabila. He was staring at me while I pretend to be interested with the view outside. Ayaw ko pang pag-usapan eh! Pwede naman yun diba? The best thing I could do for myself now is to allow all of my pieces to shatter, all wounds to bleed and breathe ceaselessly until I'm ready to heal. Kase hindi pa naman ako patay, hindi naman ako namatay kaya hihinga na lang ako habang nasasaktan pa. Habang hindi pa gumagaling ang mga sugat, habang hindi pa napapawi ang sakit, hihinga lang muna. Stuck is okay, right? Wala namang ibang nasasaktan right? Ako lang.

The coldness inside me was melted by Adam's warm arms. He pulled for a hug and when I tried to escape from him, he hugged me even tighter. The misery that the universe had inflected on me is all mine to deal with. Akin lang at walang iba. But I won't deny that having someone to hold me as I allow myself to sulk and cry is a dose of strength.

"Pwede bang sa winery na lang tayo kumain?" Pagkatapos ng yakap ay bumitaw na ako. Ang pagsalubong ko sa kanyang banyagang mata matapos ang yakap ay tila pagpirma sa isang kasunduan na wala ng magsasalita tungkol dun.