Hesitation

7

Taeyeon always takes a long time to dial the numbers when she’s calling home. Her finger moves slowly over the buttons, as if she’s expecting the phone will blow up in her hands when she presses the next one. She feels kind of empty inside when she thinks about talking to her family, but she thinks it might just be because Tiffany has shown her how it feels to be warm and everything else is a bit colder.

“Hi,” she says when her mother answers the phone.

“Ah, my Taeyeonie!” her mother squeals delightedly. “How are you, my daughter? How’s school? Is life in America going well? Tell me, have you found some places with good food? Not that American stuff, real food! And I hear it’s cold over there, are you wearing enough warm layers?!”

Taeyeon rolls her eyes. “Yes, omma, I’m taking care of myself very well. School is fine. I’ll email you my most recent grades later. How’s appa?”

“Oh, he’s fine, nothing interesting has happened here since you left, Taeyeonie,” her mother says dismissively. “Your brother and sister are fine too. We want to hear about you! Are there any nice Korean boys there? It would be wonderful if you could find a boy there, Taeyeonie, those boys are such hard-working, driven young men with promising futures.”

Taeyeon sighs, and decides to get on with it. “Omma, are you sitting down? I want to tell you something important.”

“Oh? Alright, let me just turn down the heat on the stove here.” There was the scraping sound of a chair being moved as her mother sat down. “What is it, Taeyeonie? Is something wrong?”

“No, nothing is wrong. I want to tell you about a wonderful girl I met here; her name is Tiffany Hwang. Miyoung. She’s Korean-American, she’s my age, and she’s doing a law degree. She’s been a great help to me, showing me what America is like and helping me with my English. She’s been my best friend.”

“That’s lovely, dear,” her mother says warmly. “It’s always nice to have a friend to help out in a strange land.”

Taeyeon takes a deep breath. “Yes, omma. Well. Miyoung is really great. She’s smart, beautiful, funny, hard-working, kind… omma; I’ve fallen in love with her. She’s my girlfriend.”

There is an excruciatingly long silence on the line. Taeyeon starts to wonder if the phone cut off, then she hears her mother take a shaky breath.

“What?”

Taeyeon steels herself. “She’s my girlfriend, omma. We’re dating. We’re in love with each other.”

“What?”

Taeyeon closes her eyes. “Omma, please, do I have to repeat myself or are you just in shock? I love her, I love Tiffany Hwang Miyoung and she loves me. She makes me so happy, omma. She’s the light in my darkness and she means a lot to me.”

Her mother lets out a long breath. “Are you sure? Are you sure this isn’t just a phase and you’ll go back to liking boys later? Please, Taeyeon, I just want you to be sure. I don’t want you to make a mistake with this girl.”

“I’m sure, omma. I’ve never had feelings like this for a boy. I’ve never had feelings like this at all. And these feelings I feel with Tiffany… These are the best feelings I’ve ever felt. I don’t want to have regrets because I let her go, omma. I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes.”

Her mother is silent again for a long time before speaking. “What’s her family like? Traditional or Americanised? How have they reacted to this?”

“She lives with her father. Her mother passed away when she was younger. Her father is still in touch with his Korean side, but I don’t think I would say he’s traditional. We haven’t told him yet, but we’re telling him tonight when I go to their house for dinner. He’s been asking me to teach him your kimchi fried rice recipe, omma. I think he’ll really like it, it’s my favourite, and it always reminds me of you. Listen, omma, you might find this hard to accept, and I’ll understand that completely. But I want you to remember, I love you all and I miss you very much. You’re my family.”