Indignant Heart

Chapter 30: Clouded Judgement

I escaped from Carter's presence. It wasn't easy. He insisted I talk to him, but I reassured him that I was fine and would be okay. I was just a child who got caught up in her emotions. I misread everything and acted on impulse.

Even if I wanted to, I couldn't be mad at Carter.

So he agreed to leave me alone. Instead of making my way home, I took a ride to the midst of trees Carter had taken me before, the day he opened up to me about his testimony.

I traveled through the fallen leaves, hearing them crunch with every step I took until I made it to the magnificent view he had shown me that day. It truly was breathtaking.

Making myself comfortable on a rock, I reflected.

You're confused.

My hand swung at my forehead. A sharp sting zapped my flesh. What the hell was I thinking!?

I fell for you!? That's such a cheesy line, I don't know how I even thought that up. It's completely out of my character! Did I imply that I loved him with that? Oh my gosh! What was I even rambling on about before I confessed to him...I forgot. That's how I know it was complete and utter garbage! So much for wanting to get it off my chest, I made a complete fool out of myself!

Life was hard, even when it wasn't hard at all. This was just typical teenage drama, drama I started for myself and wanted to get out of. I covered my face with my hands.

"How am I supposed to face him now..."

"Just turn around."

Ba-dum...

No...he couldn't be here. He shouldn't be here.

But he was because when I turned around he was there, facing me with hands shoved in his pockets and an apologetic look on his face.

"Carter, I just want to be alone for right now. I thought you understood that--"

"Yes, I understand, but that's the last thing I want to do. I'm sorry, but I can't just let you sit here and make assumptions based on what I said."

I huffed. I didn't want him here. He would only make me feel worse about myself and childish.

But I couldn't turn him away when he was being so persistent. I could hear the earnestness in his voice. His eyes softened.

"Okay, but listen to me first." I swiped my hair behind my ear and crossed my arms over my chest. "I'm sorry I put all that on you. It was childish of me. I honestly didn't know what I was expecting from you. I was impulsive and I regret it. Please, let's just forget--"

"But I can't forget, Naomi." He rushed toward me and stopped within a foot of my body. A breath hitched in my throat.

It seemed like he noticed that he was getting caught up in his emotions and stopped himself.

"You said I was confused Carter." My voice trembled on the word. I didn't know whether to feel offended or genuinely puzzled by what he accused.

"Just listen."

I shut up. He was so stern. I didn't want to cross him. But he didn't seem to say it out of authority. It was almost as if he was pleading with me.

"Naomi...what did you think when you first met me? What feelings did you have after our first encounter with each other?"

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I pondered on the question. Images of our interactions flashed through my mind, from beginning to end.

"When I first met you...you made me feel weird. There was this odd attraction from the very beginning, but I couldn't place a finger on it."

"A physical attraction?"

"Yeah--I guess...No that's not all the way true." I refused to believe that, even though it was part of what drew me to him.

He sighed and chased hand through his hair. "Let me be honest with you. After you confessed back there, I thought you had acted purely on lust and attraction and I would hate for that to happen. Lust and intense feelings can often be misinterpreted as one another."

I was baffled.

"I can't believe you thought that." My voice was barely a whisper.

"Please don't be offended." He reassured me with a touch. "It's just that, as a man myself, lust is something I've struggled with for years. They say boys will be boys and that's often true. We don't often think with our hearts first. We pounce on the first beauty we see, it's a common thing and it's happened to me a few times." He sighs raking a hand through his hair. "Before I was saved, I couldn't control myself. Girls were something I couldn't get away from. I didn't care about building relationships with them; I saw their body and beauty and that was enough for me to go for it. It's not something I'm proud of. And I've encountered girls who were very similar to me in that nature.

"I just...I didn't want you to get mixed up in your feelings because I care about you. We...we built this relationship that's so difficult to explain or even understand. I can't even understand it." He seemed frustrated. Something was eating at him too, something he wanted to get off his chest.

I stopped biting my tongue. It did cross my mind that Carter may have been a player in the past. I could understand why girls would flock to him, but it didn't matter. Shaking my head, I began to retort. "No. I know what I felt...feel. I don't know much about lust and I get you've struggled with it, but if you don't feel the same way, don't try to convince me that my feelings are out of whack and that I'm 'confused'."

"Naomi--"

"No! Just--you listen! You helped me! With everything! I came here angry at the world and at everyone around me, but I couldn't be angry at you no matter how hard I tried. You saw through me." For some reason, the corner of my eyes were stinging. My vision started to blur and the view of Carter soon became a distorted figure. Still, I spoke with the lump in my throat.

"You saw I was broken and did everything you could to help me. You changed me Carter! That's why I like you! So tell me...how am I confused? No, it wasn't just your looks. Your whole being did it for me. Your compassion, your persistence, your wisdom...what else do you want me to say to convince you?"

His jaw clicked into place. His hands clenched at his sides. His entire figure was rigid. But his eyes were looking into my soul. His eyes were filled with dejection.

"No. You're still confused."

Those words broke my spirit. But I couldn't tell if it was the words themselves or the emotion in his voice. He sounded hurt.

"I saw that you were sad and broken, and you needed someone to tend to that and fix it, but that person wasn't me, it was God." He croaked. "It was His compassion...His persistence...His wisdom...not mine. So please, don't say those things because I'm not the one who changed you." There was a hint of regret in his voice. It rattled me to the core and his words settled in my heart.

And now I finally saw it. I saw the point he was trying to drive home.

And I saw that he was so...very...wrong.

~*~

Thanks for reading! God bless!