Chapter 24: Confession

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I wish I could easily put my thoughts and feelings into words. Or at the very least, be able to express how I was feeling in any shape or form, but I was completely unable to.

There were days when sitting inside my room, my supposed safe house, made me utterly depressed. I would take a look around at my walls and feel the pit of my stomach drop in despair.

There were days when sitting at home filled me with constant angst, a worry that I couldn't shake. There were days that I eagerly awaited the moment I would step foot inside the church again.

And there were days where I couldn't stop my heart from racing at the sight of Carter's face.

Those feelings terrified me.

No one knew of them, but me. I kept them concealed, not necessarily because I wanted to, but because the pipes in my voice became clogged.

I reminisced about last night. Thinking of how Carter had used to be got my mind racing. How could someone wholly bounce back from such a traumatic experience like his?

The next day I found Avery in the lunchroom and immediately made my way to her. She glanced up from the book she was reading and greeted me with her usual happy-go-lucky smile. I was getting better at trying not to be rude, so I grinned back.

"Hey Naomi."

"Hey, I have a question."

"About Carter?"

She rose her eyebrows whilst giving me a suggestive look. I felt my heart pound against my rib cage and I gulped inaudibly. Sitting down in front of her, my stoic expression tried its best to remain steady.

"Kind of." I eased the tension I was feeling with an exhale. "Yesterday he shared his testimony with me. I found it very..."

"Inspiring?" She proposed.

"I guess you can call it that." I agreed for the sake of it, but more than anything, I found it unrealistic.

She closed the book in her hand and placed it in her bag. "You don't understand how he believes in God after he went through such a terrible experience."

I looked at her without uttering a word. Surely she knew what I was thinking.

"Naomi it's called faith."

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. They had always said this. They were constantly saying this.

"Okay. Thanks." And I suddenly didn't feel the want to continue this conversation with her anymore. I didn't know what it was, but I was always expecting the "Sunday School Answer" from her. Maybe she was being totally honest with me and trying her best to explain it in a way that was genuine, but I couldn't receive it. I needed to talk to him again.

As if she was reading my mind, she offered me a small smile and said, "You should ask Carter. I'm pretty sure he can explain much better than I can."

"Let me ask you something." I started again, "That night you found him...how...why..."

She chuckled softly at me and picked up. "I honestly couldn't tell you. There was just this feeling I had, or a nudge God gave me to go there that night. Either way, I'm glad I did."

I nodded and looked down at my fiddling fingers. I could feel her eyes on me and her curiosity burning.

"Naomi?" I glanced up at her. "Do you think you have feelings for Carter?"

"No." I snapped, against my better judgement. This would only make me look like a guilty liar. "I mean, why would you think that?"

"I've been paying attention. The amount of times you come to me asking about him and the look on your face when he's around gave it away."

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