Love You to Death

I: The Lies We Tell Ourselves

I love you, I'll kill you
But I'll love you forever.

- Enigma - I love You... I'll Kill You -

- - -

These were the days that happened before.

Henry kept asking about Ethan.

A pressure built in my chest and I wanted to scream. Instead, I gripped the steering wheel; knuckles turning white.

'Is he away for long,' Henry asked. His voice shook. Nervous. Nervous about what he might discover when I dropped him off at his girlfriend's house. That's why he wanted to talk about Ethan - anything to take his mind off relationship troubles. That made two of us.

I pulled another lie out of the air. 'Till the end of the week.'

'Where's he gone again?'

'Barman convention. The Grapevine have asked him to report back on American beers.' In my head, my husband was away on a business trip. It scared me how calm I remained, and how easily the lie left my lips. It's as if I believed what I said.

I was going mad.

'Didn't know barmen have conventions.' Henry jigged his leg. Neither did I.

'Look, Henry,' we turned into Watercress Road, 'what are you going to say to Layla,' and then turned again into Tulip Crescent.

Tulip Crescent. By its name it sounds like a pretty little cul-de-sac. Imagine a road that arcs around a green lawn, with ruby red tulip boarders opposite tall, white Georgian houses with black and white tiled halls. Now stop imagining those things because the only thing Tulip Crescent has in common with your imagination is the arc of road.

There were no tulips but plenty of dandelions. The houses are 70s council style, and each house had an overgrown front garden or paved area with tufts of weeds poking through the gaps.

I shoved Ethan's flatbed truck onto the curb. 'What if she's not in? What then?' It was unfair of me to keep asking Henry all these questions because when Henry told me he suspected Layla was cheating on him it was my idea to confront her. That way he'd find out the truth, and it stopped me thinking about the car crash my marriage had become.

Henry twisted his fingers in his lap and bowed his head. 'No idea.'

A ping of guilt. I'd been Henry's girlfriend once, back when I was fifteen and trying to prove to my dad that not all relationships end in disaster like his and mums had. I proved nothing, but learnt that I should take other people's feelings into consideration. Whilst I had no strong feelings for Henry other than friendship, Henry had been besotted with me.

Henry flopped over his knees, head down, as if he was about to throw up in the footwell. Had he looked like this when I'd dumped him?

'Deep breath.' I rested a hand on Henry's shoulder. 'Better to know, right?'

Who the hell was I kidding? I could've clawed my eyes out with irony over what I said. Better to know isn't a comment that came from a woman who's husband had walked out on her, but she was telling everyone he'd gone to a barmen convention.

Ethan's mobile phone with that text message burnt a hole in the side pocket of my linen trousers. What idiot cheated on his wife and then left behind his mobile in a rush to move in with his new partner?

'At least you know where Layla is.' Words not meant to be spoken out aloud, but they clattered out of my mouth.

Henry lifted his head, one eyebrow raised. 'Well, yeah. I guess.' He shrugged.