The Clinch

Chapter Thirty Three

Chapter Thirty Three

It's Christmas eve and we're at my parents house enjoying my mother's special breakfast for dinner meal. Gabriel was released on bed rest two weeks ago and he's gradually been getting better by the day. They've got him on shit loads of pain meds, so he's pretty much out of it most of the time. But now he's lucid as reality could be and gently encouraging Coby to chew on some bacon.

The silence around the house has been painful, and at times it feels like we're walking on egg shells around one another. Physically, I feel fine - my leg is healing perfectly - but emotionally, I feel weak. Losing the baby finally feels real, and nobody has said a word to me about it since we were at the hospital.

But I can feel the sympathetic looks from my family, and I know they talk about my well-being when I'm not in the room. They give me for-longing looks or constant pats to the back. Yet none of them will mention it.

Right now the room is locked in a tense silence as I mash up Coby's baked beans, sausage and mashed potato into a more manageable paste whilst I take a hesitant bite out of my breakfast bagel. Egg yolk dribbles down my chin and Gabriel leans across to wipe it off before sucking his thumb into his mouth and then tucking back into his dinner.

A glance up reveals Reagan staring at me with a pitying expression. Similar expressions mar the faces of everybody else seated at the table.

"What? Just say it alright, I can't continue living like this with all of you acting like I might freak out at any minute! It's like I'm on suicide watch! I can't take it anymore." I snap, shoving my cuttlery down not so gently and accidentally startling Coby in the process.

He automatically lets out a shocked wail, and I sweep my chair back from the table, quickly scooping Coby out of his high chair and bringing him to my chest. "It's alright mama's boy, I'm sorry I scared you." Running a finger down his cheek, I start rocking him back and forth whilst his lower lip wobbles with his tears. "I think you're over tired. Hell, I think I'm over tired."

I leave the room and go to the hall where I left Coby's baby carrier and baby bag and I slowly deposit him into the seat whilst fishing his favourite soft toy out of the bag. "Here go Bee-Zee, you feeling sleepy yet?" I ask whilst holding the mutilated rabbit out towards him and tucking it under his chin. He instantly smiles at me and clutches it tighter to himself, before his eyes go to something over my shoulder.

Before I can turn around, Gabriel is gently pulling me up into his arms and encouraging me to rest my head on his shoulder as his arms band around my waist. I take extra care not to press to hard on his chest or constrict his ribs as I let out a wracking sob and burrow myself against him. "Darryl." He exhales into my hair, clutching at my back and tightening his fists around handfuls of my jumper. "They're just worried about you sweetheart. I'm worried about you. You don't talk about it, you just keep to yourself and you're getting more miserable by the day. I don't like watching you decay like this princess, it isn't healthy."

Brushing my hands up through his hair, I pull his face down to mine and rub ours noses together. "And what is healthy? Nothing about us has ever been healthy. We're obsessed with each other! We've moved so fast in such a short space of time that it feels as if now that we're settled, life is finally catching up with us and we're fending off attack after attack."

He harrumphs. "Yeah, it kind of does feel like that. But we're strong enough to get through this fight together. I have no idea why it's us, why it's always us that lose. But we've got to get past this. So we lost the baby; a baby that we loved too early. But it will be different next time. We'll probably go on to have a dozen healthy babies. And we'll make some amazing memories to override these sad times, to make them feel easier. Like when Coby starts to crawl. Or when he says his first words. We need to accept that it happened and that there are other things to keep us busy. Sure we lost and we've mourned, but there's so much more to live for." He implores, making me meet his eyes before brushing a reverent kiss over my lips.