For most of the time in their way home, John couldn't help but think to himself. Even when they were sat in the back of the cab, one seat between them and both their noses facing the windows.
He loved the damn madman but to actually admit that to the actual man himself would be difficult, what with what happened with the Major years ago and family things.
The idea of it, made his ears heat up and heart race. Or like a school boy with the biggest crush on the most popular girl. For it would actually be a miracle if he told him, what he had conjured in his puzzle of a brain. Letting it roll off his tongue in a ramble and to watch the man's reaction.
But of course that reaction wouldn't be much, he meant... the man was a self proclaimed sociopath, a maniac and a genius. He wouldn't actually feel like that, would he? Greg must be wrong.
Sherlock didn’t say much on the journey back, knowing not only he was deep in thought but the man he loved the other side of the cab. He glanced out the corner of his eye, closing his eyes after a moment as his heart thumped with fear over admitting he loved him.
It didn’t subside even when they arrived back at Baker Street, the detective holding the door open for his blogger as he paid the fare.
Upon opening the front door to the flat, he didn’t waste anytime in heading upstairs and toward his bedroom without another word, the detective beginning to panic, which was something very rare for him.
John just threw off his jacket and hung it up whence they came into the flat. Only noticing the detective had disappeared when he had turned around.
"Oh.." He mumbled a little surprised before moving over into the kitchen and went into the fridge. Looking about among various body parts and experiments which outweighed the amount of food inside.
The detective was busy pacing his room, trying to process what Lestrade suggested as he over thought it all, beginning to panic. He vaguely heard John shuffling around in the kitchen, hearing the sound of the kitchen fridge opening though that was least of his worries as he continued to pace like a madman.
"Sherlock?" Came John's voice soft from the fridge, "where's the milk?" He asked, listening for a reply as he held the fridge open slightly.
The detective was knocked out his pacing for a moment as the soft call, frowning as he sighed.
“I don’t know, it’s always there when I go into the fridge.” He called back as he resumed pacing, fingers in a steeple like formation against his lips as he closed his eyes.
"You sure?" Came the voice calling back, "I don't see it anywhere?" John added looking on all the levels of the shelves he could see- which weren't obstructed by his height.
Sherlock sighed at this as he came stomping into the kitchen, heading over to John as he stood right in front of him to look in the fridge. After shuffling a through jars of eyeballs and fingers on the top shelf, he handed the milk over, practically shoving it in John’s face as he stomped over to the living room. The whole situation of him having to admit his feelings for John was overwhelming and he was becoming more and more upset and panicking.
"What's up with you?" John asked, holding the milk, as he watched the detective strop into the living room, raising an eyebrow before placing the milk on the side and approached the brunette slowly, "Greg didn't say something to make you upset, did he?" He asked, his blue eyes gleaming at the taller man. Feeling a little anxious that Greg might have told the detective of how he felt towards him.
Sherlock continued to pace, eyes closed as he began to panic even more. He stopped for a moment, meeting John’s blue eyes with his own, not knowing what to do.
“Fine. I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be fine? Gavin said nothing.” He quickly panicked as he continued to pace like a mad man.
“You wanted the milk didn’t you?” He asked as he continued to pace, becoming more and more agitated and more and more upset the more he paced.
"Sherlock, calm down.." John said softly, noticing the panic, as he thought, "look at me.." he said softly, gently taking the man's hand in his own. "It's okay, whatever the matter is wrong we can sort it out.." he said, looking back up to the male's eyes, taking a small breath.
Sherlock immediately stopped pacing, though noticeably his chest was rising and falling much quicker - 37% quicker in-fact. He gazed down to John, meeting the bloggers eyes with his own big blue ones as his hands curled around the shorter male's, nodding ever so faintly.
“I’m fine, I’m just thinking too much, I can’t stop it sometimes, not like a tap, it never stops and it overwhelms me but I am fine, I’m always fine.” He began to ramble in panic again as he gazed down to John almost like he couldn’t stop talking.
"I know, I know.." John replied softly, noticing a stray hair in front of Sherlock's eyes and decided to move it away with his hand, "just breathe.." he said softly, holding both of the detective's sweaty hands in his, "you're not entirely fine though.. your panicking.." he mumbled, quietly. Thinking a little as he looked down at their hands.
Sherlock blushed a little as John removed a stray curl but his eyes never left his bright ones as he focused on John to calm down. He tried to breath, but he was still panicking.
“I am fine, I am always fine.” He tried to reassure with army doctor but he knew John would be able to see through this very easily.
“I’m sorry, I just can’t help it. It’s a weakness of mine, panicking, talking too much...” he continued to panic as he held tightly to John's hand.
"It's okay.." John admitted, "we all do.." he added quietly before moving to let go of one of Sherlock's hands to caress the taller male's cheek. Glancing to his lips, "I'm here for you.." he spoke quietly, moving onto his tip toes and planted a very small kiss on Sherlock's lips. Even if his heart was thumping madly in his chest.
Sherlock watched John closely as he said this, following as his hand cupped his cheek. He noticed the glance to his own lips, though it didn’t register what could have happened next as he watched John lean in close. And all he knew next was his eyes widened before fluttering closed at the soft kiss, returning it for a long moment before pulling away with a gasp. His eyes widened in utter delight and shock, his brain now working over time as he panicked even more, non-moving from his spot.
After pulling away John looked down, with a very small smile on his face, feeling the man's pulse beat erratically.
"I love you, Sherlock.." he murmured, softly glancing up at the mad man with his bright blue eyes. His mind unusually calm for the moment as he went back to holding both of the man's hands.
Like he had just witnessed something that has shook him for life, Sherlock stayed still, frozen to the spot like an icicle stuck to the edge of a building. His blue eyes met Johns intimately, pulse racing, mind turning almost frantically as he began to panic again and become afraid. His eyes widening almost fearfully as John said those three little words. He loved him. John loved him. All this time. He loved him, just Sherlock loved John. A noise rumbled in his throat almost like a whimper as his eyes began to water with emotion for he first time in a long while. A fountain of mumbles and whimpers left his lips as he began to slip his hands from John’s, stepping back, terrified and overwhelmed, something he couldn’t deal with right this second.
John felt the warmth leave his hands and watched as the detective stepped backwards, feeling as if he had done something wrong. Noticing the whimpering and crying, he didn't know what to do.
The tears shining of the detective's cheekbones, reminding him of last time he saw him cried. The fall.
"Sherlock?" He asked softly, concerned for the man.
Sherlock began to breath rapidly, almost like he was going to have a panic attack as he stepped further back before he headed for his coat, quickly putting it on as he began to whimper and mumble to himself once again, beginning to cry silently. He didn’t know what to do, what to say, how he should react to this. He loved John, more than life, more than anything but processing it was harder than he thought and he was overwhelmed, no one ever saying that they loved him.
John watched the man fetch his coat, dread and anxiety swelling in his gut. He must have done it wrong, somehow or either that Sherlock didn't love him.
"Sherlock.. wait.." he said before the detective vanished out of the door quickly. He hadn't the slightest clue of where the man would go.
YOU ARE READING
A Study In Sleep
Fanfic-- It's been months since Sherlock has returned and he's beginning to feel something for his blogger. It first starts off with them both falling asleep on the sofa together and John not opening up about things. Will John open up and will they discov...
