Silent (Ziall)

Chapter 16

I finally made it home and slammed the door shut behind me as I rested my back against the rough wood. I leaned my head on the door, closing my eyes trying to calm down from the small panic attack I was having.

My mind was going crazy with thoughts. Did I do the right thing? How would Zayn react? Will he be mad? Will he still want to be friends? Will he hate me? My eyes snapped open with that thought lingering at the back of mind. If Zayn ever hated me, I wouldn't know what to do anymore.

Trying to keep the tears back I sprinted upstairs and got the only thing I could freely express myself with. My diary.

Dear Diary,

You won't believe what happened today. I got myself a boyfriend. I know I've broken my promise of never dating anyone again so I don't hurt anyone but I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be with someone, to hold, to kiss, to call mine. And that person is Josh.

Am I scared? Yes. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to be the reason he doesn't live. But I just couldn't say no. And, God, do I hate myself for it. But another part of me is relieved. Relieved that it's Josh and not Zayn, as horrible as that sounds.

But then, how do i even tell Zayn? I'm terrified that he's going to hate me. I can't deal with that thought, let alone it actually happening in reality. I can't deal with that. Since the day I met Zayn he has been my rock so if he leaves me, I might as well leave too.

Yet again, if it does happen to Josh. If he does get hurt because of me, how am I supposed to cope. I already have so much guilt and fault on my shoulders, I can't have Josh adding on to that. I already have a black cloud over my head, I can't have it grow any more. So I pray. I pray to whichever God is listening to me above and is willing to forgive me for all my sins. To keep him safe, don't let me harm him.

Most importantly I pray that Zayn won't ever leave me that he will always stay by my side. Because without him, I'll spiral to my downfall.

Until next time, Bye.