Sorry

1

Prompt: "I was listening to 'Sorry' by Halsey and it made me  remember of season 4 of Castle. So I was thinking could u do a oneshot based on this music?" Thank you for this prompt Melissa, hope you enjoyed my version of your prompt!

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She'd looked up at him, his eyes so filled with hope and she'd known she didn't deserve that. Just known he shouldn't be anywhere near her. And so she'd lied. She didn't remember. She didn't remember him telling her he loved her. She didn't remember anything other than the gunshot. Everything had gone black. The hope he'd shown when he came into her hospital room had disappeared, and she'd felt her heart ache from something other than the wound. But all hope hadn't been lost and she hadn't really been able to meet his eyes. Couldn't look at him when she knew his blues were looking at her with that same love stricken gaze she'd first then realized was real. She wondered what he'd thought, and she could see the last small hope disappear when she'd said she needed time, that she'd call. She wondered if he deep down knew she wouldn't.

Sitting on the porch of the family cabin she'd fled to she thought back to what she'd done, she'd done that quite a lot. Looking back. During the whole two months she'd been gone now. He'd texted her once, asking if she was okay, and she hadn't answered. He'd managed to go one month without contacting her, and once he'd gotten up courage to do so she hadn't even given him one word back. Two months had passed by since she broke his heart and she was really questioning her actions. She regretted it. She wanted to tell him, but it had gone two months now since the shooting and she didn't dare text or call him. What if he wouldn't forgive her? What if he wouldn't answer? What if he hated her?

"You okay?" Jim Beckett, her dad, asked coming out the door.

"I'm fine, dad," Kate mumbled, for what must've been the millionth time in the two months they'd spent together.

Her dad had taken time off work, wanted to be there for her while she healed, and in the beginning she'd been kind of grateful for it. It had been a hard first couple weeks just staying afloat. But now, she just hated seeing the way his face curled every time she happened to show she was hurting. True, she hated it in the beginning as well but once she was alert enough to see it even when he tried hiding it she had suggested he didn't need to be there anymore, that she was healed enough to take care of herself. No need for him to take out time from work when she could manage on her own. Of course he'd brushed it off, said there was no place he'd rather be, and she believed him. She could see he needed to be close to her in order to stay afloat himself.

"You sure? Looked like you were in pretty deep thought."

Kate looked at him, the gray in his hair having turned even more visible after her shooting. His eyes kept telling her she could talk to him, didn't need to shut down, and she had to look away. Gazing towards the lake in front of them she shook her head.

"I just keep thinking about him."

"Castle?"

She hadn't told him. Hadn't shared the one secret she was dying to get rid off. The one secret she wished she hadn't kept. Glancing to him she could see he didn't seem surprised by her reveal.

"Yeah. Castle."

"Why don't you give him a call?" the suggestion had her eyes meeting his with a sharpness she hadn't intended, and she could see her father staring back at her with gentle blue eyes. Blue eyes that made her think about another pair of blues she could drown in if she had just let down that damn wall inside her.

"I can't, dad. I just... can't."

She felt her eyes start to tear up and she looked at the lake again, trying her best to keep the tears from falling.