Who Knew...

Chapter 4 'Home sweet home'

I ran back along the winding paths that it felt like I had just walked, It's unreal how fast everything moved the sun was now almost fully down, the weather was still warm but was more smoggy then before. I smelt fire, someone was burning off close to the track, I hated fire after the whole branding incident, basically Mum went on a mad rampage saying that we belonged to her and not anyone else so she took some steel wire curled it into the letters CR put it into the fire and branded us with it, mine was on my hip and Lottie's was on her shoulder blade. Which was when it occurred to me, what was Mum going to do to Lottie when she found out I was gone? Mum has beaten us before punching us till our skin turned purple but who knows if she had a bad day she could do a lot worse?

I ran into the driveway my heart pounding and my body shaking like a leaf normally when I am going to cry I shake, its a quirk of mine and it makes it so hard to hide my feelings at times. Mum's car stood there in the driveway parked on an angle. I got my keys out of my pocket but as I inserted my key I noticed it was already open. I took a quick breath before quietly pushing the door open and stepping inside the dark house. "Lottie, Lottie?" I whispered not wanting Mum to hear me, the quicker I find Lottie the quicker we can go into our room and I can calm her down. "Gracie?" I turned to see my little sister in tears. "Lottie" I sighed "Come here" I hugged her, she buried her head in my chest. "Did she hurt you?" I asked pulling her away and brushing some stray hair out of her eyes. "No, but where were you Mummy was really angry when she found out you weren't ho-" In the middle of her sentence she got distracted by something behind me and I already knew who it was. “Lottie, Go wait for me in our room, ok?” Her eyes darted between me and who was behind me before she looked at me with sympathetic eyes and slowly nodded. I watched her escape to our room before I turned to meet my Mum standing up to her level.  “Wherewereyou?” she slurred the question almost inaudible. I couldn’t tell her the truth, who knows what she would do to me if she found out I was about to commit suicide, I remember last year I ran away from home and a week later the police found me sleeping in a park and when I got home she beat me and then locked me in the wardrobe for 3 days. bit harsh? yea I think so too.  

“I was out.” I replied simply,I walked away from her hoping she would just let me go and no harm would be done but it can never be that easy. “Maybe you didn’t hear me.” She said grabbing me and pushing me onto the wall, holding me against it by my neck. “Where were you?” she said it straight into my ear making a shiver run down my spine. I could smell the alcohol on her breath and her clothes reeked of smoke. "I stayed back, at school, I had homework to do." I struggled to get out, her right arm was horizontal across my neck and her left hand steadied herself to the side of my head. I started getting lightheaded but she released her arm for a spilt second before quickly slamming her arm back making me hit my head against the wall. "Don't let it happen again Grace." she said removing her arm making me fall to my knees. She started to walk away but just before she left my sight she turned around and came back. "One more thing-" I looked up at her, her eyes looked dark and had no emotion in it whatsoever, it was eyes I was too used to seeing. "-Never lie to me again." she scowled before she punched me across my mouth. 

It was with enough power that it turned my head and I heard a deafening crack from my neck. I felt something warm drip down my chin and as I looked to the floor I noticed a droplet of blood, my blood. I looked towards the women I called Mum who just stood there, her face, a blank canvas, She would never let any emotion show, never. She walked away without saying another word just leaving me there to wonder 'Why me?'. I got up and walked to the room Lottie and I shared, I opened the door and closed it behind me. "Grace?" Her voice echoed in my ears. "Go to sleep" I said blankly I was angry and in pain, I didn't want to put up with her, not now anyway. "But-" she started "Now. Lottie. Go. To. Sleep. Now." I said heartlessly my head snapping towards her. Without saying another word she slipped under the covers still in her school uniform, faced the wall and closed her eyes. I quietly sighed before walking to the full lengthed mirror in the corner. I had a bright  crimson line running down my middle of my chin from my split lip, it wasn't too deep but it was deep enough to make it last a good week or 2. I pulled my sleeve over my wrist and wiped my chin only spreading the blood across my jawline. I stared at myself, blood smeared across my face and swollen lip. I started shaking as tears welled up in my eyes I wanted to scream but I couldn't. I brought my sleeve back up to my face and started rubbing but nothing came off the blood only stained my cheek almost mocking me and my existence. I leaned forward resting my head and arms on the mirror before slowly sliding down it onto my knees. I spat onto my sleeve before rubbing at my face again this time the colour slowly disappeared. I sat there for a while just staring at the strange figure in the mirror, although I knew it was I just couldn't help but hope it wasn't, that this lifeless emotionless wreak wasn't me.    

I got up not taking my eyes off the figure before my gaze being drawn to her stomach. I brought my hand up to my shirt lifting it up a bit so I could see the majority of my torso. I could see my ribs pretty clearly and when stood side on I could see that my rib cage was further out then my stomach was, but I guess that's what you get when you throw up ever meal you get. I looked at the brand on my hip and sighed it happened a year ago and was still healing, It was probably most painful thing I had ever to endure and Lottie had gone through it too. I tried to stop the women but she hit me over the head with a plate. Next thing I know I'm waking up to Lottie crying face down into the floor and I've got something hot going into my side. CR, I ran my thumb over the initials before looking at Lottie in the mirror, she was breathing a lot heavier now so she was definitely asleep. 

I pulled my top down and stepped over to our tallboy I looked through one of the draws until I saw my cure, gripping it in my hand I sat down on the edge of my bed which was across the room from Lottie's. I played with it in my hand a little, letting it's edges scrape against my fingers and my palm before opening my hand to reveal the sparkling silver razor blade. I pushed my sleeve up to my elbow exposing my forearm covered in scars and scabs across my wrist but also down the length of my arm from when I was too scared to go all the way with my self harm. I lifted the blade to my wrist and took a deep breath steadying myself as I dragged the blade across my skin leaving a thin crimson line from where the razor once was. I repeated the process several times before throwing the blade in the bin and grabbing a tissue to stop the blood. Nothing ran through my head as I sat there with a tissue on my wrist and my head hung in angst but I couldn't help but feel at peace with myself. The bleeding stopped about a half hour later and that's when I hopped into bed.I put my head down to the pillow and closed my eyes it had to be about 9:30pm and I was ready to go to sleep but all I could think about was that boy, what was his name again? Zeke. How was it he could just show up at the right time and stop me from committing suicide without even touching me? How could he just change my mind like that? I just didn't know, and at that point I just didn't care I just wanted to go to sleep and forget about the world and maybe get up and realise this day was just crazy, messed up dream.