Who Knew...

Chapter 7 'When Does it end?'

We walked back along the road we had walked this morning. 

I kept my hands firmly clenched in my pockets as Lottie blabbed on about school. 

What was there left for me to do now? Go home again to Mum. Cut. Sleep. And then start all this over. It seemed like it was a everlasting cycle now,a chore, a routine, like if I didn't do it or skipped one aspect of it I would feel empty, or at least more empty than I was, if that was even possible.

I needed to find another way, I had always thought death was the answer but after yesturday, I just didn't think I could bring myself to do it. I kept thinking of him, his eyes, his cheeky smirk. the fact that he showed up at the right time, If fate was ever sending me a sign not to commit suicide, they did a great job in choosing him.  

"Where did you go after we got home yesturday?"  

I was going to give Lottie the same excuse I gave mum, but I realised that wasn't going to work, Lottie walked home with me yesturday. I knew I would have to give her a good excuse because although she was young, but she wasn't stupid, but then again I couldn't exactly tell her that I was busy attempting suicide. 

"I was seeing a friend of mine." I said reaching out to hold my sisters hand just before we crossed the road. 

"Really? Do I know them, is it Jade?" She asked taking my hand and stepping on the black tarred road.

We ran across the busy road before I answered.

"No, you don't."

"What is her name? Is she nice?" she asked really fast, obviously shocked that I had obtained a new friend.

"It's a boy, Lottie, his name is Zeke,  and I don't really know, I met him a few days ago." I lied. 

"A boy? Are you in love with him?" What could I expect, telling my 6 year old sister I have met a guy and we're just friends, I guess it was bound to happen. 

"Lottie, I have only just met the boy, I'm not in love with him." I chuckled a little.

"But it could be like love at first, like all the fairy tales!" She says a little to happily, bouncing around the pavement. 

I smiled at my little sister, so full of hope, and undisturbed happiness. I was like that too, when I was younger of course. I was so happy with everything in the world, always looking at the endless possibilities around the corner, never thinking twice to show off my imagination through singing, dancing and drawing whenever I could. I was just so young and naive, but I guess we all have to up, at one point or another. 

A silver car slowed down next to us, winding down its tinted windows throwing a drink which barely missed Lottie hitting me in my chest before the passenger shouted "Die Emo Scum".  I didn't see the thrower but I had a good idea of who it would be. Khloe. I looked at the mess she had made, the take away cup slowly rocked back and forth on the hot pavement and the contents soaked through my sweater and my dress wetting my bra. My tips of my hair dripped with the brown liquid and I suddenly felt cold.

 Words can't describe what was going through my head at that very moment but I stood there staring at the ice, cup and lid on the floor, just trying to comprehend what had actually happened to me. I had watched TV shows and Movies where a character would be thrown with some sort of beverage and it would be played off as some sort of hilarious, prank or gesture toward the nerds or unliked person but, when it happens to you in such a foul manner, you can't help but wish l you didn't exist. When does this end?

 My heart started to race with adrenaline as my head started to throb, my vision blurred with my tears and I suddenly felt sick in my stomach. 

"Grace." My sister said, I didn't look at her but I could her the shock in her voice.

"Stay here." I said running away from her, off the pavement and onto the grass.

I ran about 50 metres and turned before doubling over behind an old hall, Throwing up the contents of my stomach which was mainly water due to my lack of dietary needs.

I wiped my mouth and walked back to Lottie who sat patiently on the grass fiddling with a blade of of the green weed. I walked over to her and helped her up.

"Lets go home." I said absentmindedly.

Home wasn't a good place for us to go right now, but it was the only place we could go.

I felt a hand wriggle into mine and I looked down to Lottie, she smiled crazily at me which warmed me up again. My little sister who was way beyond her age tugged me along the pavement before replying.

"Home."

.......................................................................................................................................

I unlocked the door and stepped inside, Mum wasn't home yet, on a good day for us she would come home at past 12 on a bad day though she would come home at 7. Yesturday was just one of those days.

We put our school bags in our room and walked to the kitchen.

"I'm hungry, Grace" Lottie almost begged.

"I know Lot's I will have a look for something." I popped my sister on the counter before turning to the pantry scanning through its contents. Nothing. There were some bits and pieces but nothing that could make a filling meal for a 6 year old. I looked at the biscuits in the bottom and although it wasn't a meal it was better then letting her go without. Mum didn't buy us much. She would normally eat and drink before she came home leaving us empty days on end.

"Do you want some biscuits?" I asked turning around to he holding out the packet she nodded graciously before hopping off the counter with the biscuits in hand.

Lottie sat by the table nibbling on the treats savouring every taste that came out of it. I don't blame her, like me she hasn't eaten in a few days. I walked to the fridge and looked at the various sauces and drinks. I saw a carton of milk and read the date. It expired yesturday but I think it should be alright, I smelt the milk and it smelled good. I poured it in a cup and put it next Lottie's biscuits.

She grinned up at me her blue eyes gleaming, just like Dad's, and Zeke's.

"Milk!" She exclaimed taking a gulp full of the white liquid.

"Yeah! You can't have cookies with out milk! Does it taste alright?" I asked her trying to smile.

"Yep" was her simple reply a milk moustache appearing on her upper lip.

"I'm going to go wash off." I said walking to the bathroom hearing her happily munching down the little food she had.

I locked the door and looked into the mirror. The ends of my hair stuck together and my blue school jumper was stained brown around my chest. I pulled of my jumper and turned the sink tap on.

I scrubbed the material with my knuckles hopping that somehow I could get it clean without getting the whole thing wet, I needed to where it the next day. The more I scrubbed the more the stained spread, it seemed like it was just laughing at my very existence, I started to become angry at it and madly started to claw at it before I completely lost my temper, throwing the jumper to the wall. It left a wet mark before dropping to the floor. I looked into the mirror seeing my dress was also darkly stained. I groaned loudly before weakly leaning on the sink. My eyes brimmed with tears thinking about how it was caused.

Why would she do that?

When does this end?

I was a wreck. I couldn't keep going like this I wanted to stay strong for Lottie but when the only person I can take it out on is me, I found myself getting weaker and weaker.

I needed help, and the only person I could think of was, him.

Zeke.

I wanted to see him, talk to him, just be in his presence but I was scared. He could be the one to make me strong and keep me safe. After all I felt the safest I have ever been whilst I was in his arms. 

I made a decision I was going to see him, I had to.

What did I have to lose?