Going for Broke

Chapter 7

Eight months.

Blaine copes. He's always been good at coping. It's become a tool of survival, after everything that's happened. It's always a gradual process, the slow acceptance, but it happens. It's like covering up a cut with a bandage—the hurt is still there, and it occasionally stings, but he can no longer see it, so it might as well not exist.

At first it's all he can do to collapse in his bed and stay hidden under the covers forever, creating alternative worlds in his head—ones where he didn't fuck everything up, ones where Kurt had listened and stayed, and even those impossibly painful ones where Kurt had said the words back, had loved Blaine half as much in return. Those are the worst, because for a second, Blaine allows himself to imagine what it would feel like to have Kurt in his arms right now, and then reality crashes his fantasies all the more brutally.

After a few days, though, he manages to take work and friends and the need to shave and spin it into string to sew his chest back together. He stitches his heart back under his ribcage from where it had been residing in shatters in his stomach, adjusts the smile on his face, and tries to turn his thoughts around to keep from spinning on blue eyes and paint-smeared hands. His suit covers up the rest of the damage.

For the first few weeks, the need to call—the need to take the fastest cab down to Darling Place and talk to Kurt—is more a physical desire than even sleep. But Kurt's voice is always there as a reminder in his ears, telling Blaine over and over again that Kurt doesn't want to see him again. Kurt doesn't want him. Ever. So Blaine always drops the phone at the last second, or changes his directions to the cabbie halfway through.

Eventually, the voice in his ears drowns out even the need. And without the need, as the months pass, he loses the desire. Why pine the days away when forgetting hurts so much less?

He doesn't turn to drink. That was what led him to Kurt last time, so he avoids it beyond the usual beers with Wes and David on a Friday night. He avoids falling into dependence again. The first time he'd drank because he couldn't deal with his life anymore. Now, he knows how much more painful it can be, and alcohol no longer seems necessary. He finds a boyfriend instead, to keep his mind off things and his time occupied. He knows that on principle it's wrong, finding a fallback for a relationship that never even happened, but finds it hard to be guilty, seeing as Sebastian makes it quite clear he's in it for the fantastic sex, and works hard to stave off even Blaine's feeble attempts at establishing an emotional connection. He never stays the night, and it feels very odd to not lie there and talk afterwards. Instead, it's always a sloppy kiss while Blaine is still settling down from his high, and a promise to call the next day to schedule the next time.

But at least Sebastian always answers his phone.

They break it off after about two months—Sebastian claims that he's moving to Los Angeles, Blaine is pretty sure it's because he's found someone more kinky and exciting—and after that, Blaine doesn't try again, not for a relationship. There are a few one-night stands, generally on those nights he goes out with Wes and David and ends up finding a cute guy. Those are better, because now he can't even label them with 'boyfriend' like he did Sebastian. They're just people.

He begins to work harder at enjoying his job, to set his mind into the right networks and patterns to transform the numbers from maddening to enjoyable. Every day he goes to work with a smile plastered on his face, and after a while it sets up there automatically. He remembers his mother once warning him to not keep his face in some monstrous expression, or it would freeze like that. Apparently it works with smiles too. He no longer has to remember to put on his face in the morning—it never leaves. It doesn't wash off at night.

After eight months, he's completely shelled himself in by the safety of monotony. Like a hermit crab, he's found a new shell, only this one is slightly more fragile. But it has the illusion of sturdiness, which is all he really needs.