Life goes on

Memories after all

The song of this chapter: "Memories" by Shawn Mendes
Sadness in overload!

A million feelings. A thousand thoughts. A hundred memories. And only one person. And onlupy hearing his voice gets it all back. All the heart aching moments, all the pain.  I left it all in the past for good and only like that I could live without any pain in the deep of my heart.

I feel the grip again forcing me into tears and leaving no hope to escape. I did it once but I would never be able to do it twice. If I think about the time with him I sink again into depression. But I made it stay in the past and closed this chapter of my life. And I don't want to open it again.

Deep in my soul he is still there, deep, deep inside myself. Ignoring it for years and I want to keep ignoring it.

"How are you?"

There is it again. His voice as husky as deep as caring as ever. Is he for real?! Now after all these years he wants to know how I am? He could have asked me a little earlier! How dare he call me now after this hard time? Oh to hell with him!

"As if you would care"

And that's exactly what I think. Me, being honest more than ever.

"As a matter of fact, yes, I DO care about you"

He sounds so caring and honest. But I know he doesn't care. He never did. I remember that he has always been a good liar. But you won't fool me! He hurt me way too much and I know him too good to fall for his lies. Even after all these years he didn't learn to care, did he?

"Yeah, I don't believe you. So go to hell!"

I just want to never ever hear his voice again.

"A melody so perfect that it gets me through the day"

He begins to sing the song. It was our song and it wakes up all my feelings to him in one second. The bad and the good ones.

"Shut up!!!"

I am shortly before ending this call.

"You still feel it, don't you?"

Of course I do, every single one. But I will never tell him that. He is the biggest douche in this world and still, once I loved him with all my heart. These feelings will never fade totally. They're just not as present as before.

He cited my heart with a knife and it is nearly healed. There will be always a little bruise and he knows it. He manipulates me with that.

"No. And bye"

I click on the red button and my mind is totally off. My breath is heavy and my eyes full of sadness. All these memories we have together, the haunt me now more than ever.

"Everything alright?"

The voice is a little vague but still heartwarming. I look up and see the beautiful emerald green eyes I always loose myself in when I look in them. He looks irritated but knows already that I'm not okay. I melt right away, it feels so good to have him around.

"I-I don't know..." I answer truthfully and get a cute smile as a respond.

Hayden doesn't say something and I don't want to say anything, he knows that exactly. Right now I just want to sit here next to him and be in my little bubble.

After a while Hayden gets up and turns the music on.

A melody so perfect that it gets me through the day
And then the thought of us forever is one that won't ever go away

My heart skips a beat. Exactly our song right now out of millions? It isn't even hyped anymore!

The touch and the electricity which comes with it comes back on my back. The sunset is colouring everything orange and the wind of the sea breezes over my face. I smell the salt of it too. We dance all night long and laugh together. His laugh, I always melted right away.

Oh my goodness, here it goes again. The thoughts. The memories we share.

Without knowing I start crying. Hayden places his arm around me and hugs me tightly making me feel so comfortable. Oh fuck this. I let it all out, all my tears, all my sadness. It all was inside me but I didn't let it out. I cuddle even closer in his armpit.

So let's hold on together
To this paper and this pen
And write down every letter to every word we've ever said

My tears are unstoppable and keep running down my cheeks. It feels so good to let it all out.

All I need to know is where to stop
Take my hand and show me forever
So never will I ever let you go

Oh, but still you let me go. No, you forced me to go and hurt me on the way. Please do me a favour and stay out of my life.

Let's write our story and let's sing our song
Let's hang our pictures on the wall
All these precious moments that we craved in stone
Our only memories after all

Heart aching, tears running.

Memories after all
Memories after all
You gave me all but I've got to let go
I've got to let go

It's taking its toll deep into my soul
Now I've got to let go

Well this chapter is sad, or?
But what keeps Clara in such a pain?

Thanks for reading!

Released on 02.02.2018