July 14th
Work today was hell. I rode my bike and blasted Fall Out Boy on my way there to try and block the world out but when I took out my headphones the sadness set right back in. I got there at 11:30 and had to deal with my irritating boss, Tom, for three and a half hours. I hate how he speaks Albanian to his creepy ass wife so no one else can understand and I hate that he wants everything done his way even when I do then right and I hate when he try's to talk to me when obviously I don't want to be bothered. But he was starting to catch on and started to ask me what was wrong. So today I put in a little effort. I made myself look decent with some cover up and mascara and smiled the whole time I was in that hellhole. And it hurt. It's one of the worst pains when you have to where a bright ass smile and there is no actual happiness behind it.
When I got home I read and slept the only two things that actually distract me from the fact that I have no one.
I went out to dinner with my dad and it was delisous. I haven't seen him in a while because it was actually nice. He took me to his new house and showed me around. If he doesn't get a new roommate soon I'm going to be able to move it and have so time with him. The worst part is that I'll get the master bedroom and it's the only room on the top floor. More loneliness.
We were going to see The Fault in Our Stars but I got the theaters mixed up and when we got to the one it was actually playing at it was too expensive. I wasn't going to let him spend that much on a movie when he has so many other things to pay for. When I realized we couldn't see the movie I began to cry. Not because we can't see the movie but because that means it would be time for me to go home and let my thoughts ruin me. He dragged me through Walmart to get some shit for his house and I was glad because I wasn't home yet, I didn't want to go home.
On the way back from Walmart my dad asked me, "Do you have work tomorrow?".
"No", I quietly say "It's my only day off this week".
"Enjoy it. What are you going to do?"
"Stay home and cry" I say.
He begins to laugh like those aren't my actually plans for tomorrow. During this car ride I kept repeating, "I don't want to go home, I have no one to talk to there". But he didn't respond almost as he care or that he doesn't believe me, but here I am laying down alone. Talking to no one.
I texted my "bestfriend" today and asked her when my birthday was. She didn't respond and hours later she replied saying she needed her phone back, totally avoiding the question. I didn't expect her to remember anyways, no one outside of my family ever does.
