I woke up today around 11:30 to an annoying text from the annoying program supervisor at the college I will be attending in the fall "The film class you selected is only 12 weeks, ending before thanksgiving. Please drop that class and select a different one that is 15 weeks long. Let me know when this is done". This just adds to my list of annoyances so I get up and go to drop my class. I am forced to choose American Government as my replacement and take Intro to film a different semester. Yay.
My little brother isn't home this morning so I get to be alone and watch TV in the living room. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is a funny enough show to take my mind off things so I watch a few episodes and eat chinese. Between watching TV and reading for 2 hours I become tired and decide to use a different distraction from the pain. Sleep.
I am woken up by my older brother and his friends arguing over weed, nothing new. I find myself a little hungry so I have a bowl of cereal after that I find my self in my moms room looking for alcohol. People use that to take away pain, right? after a hopeless search I find an empty Smirnoff bottle and a small bottle of whatever that she would notice if I took it so I retreat back I my room to continue the end of the After series.
While reading in the dark for an hour or two I am startled by my brother Noah barging in my room with cheese cake. I eat and beg him to stay with me in my room and he does just that. he sits on a chair and pulls out his phone. I begin to ask him a series of questions like when's the next time he wants to hang out and what he's been up to etc. but he completely disregards me just staring at that damn screen. I feel annoyed and hurt so I turn the light off and continue to read. He eventually exists the room.
I get up to use the restroom and look in the mirror in my mom's room, not liking what I see I step on the scale only to reveal a whopping 167.8 and I'm instantly broken.
Right before he is about to go home Noah comes in to say good bye, he notices I'm upset and asks if he's the reason I simply say, "i don't want to talk to anyone right now". after minimal effort Noah leaves and I'm left alone in the dark. without trying tears begin to roll down my face. It wasn't his fault all together but his rejection and the scale's numbers caused me to feel defeated.
After I broke down and made myself dinner I go back in my room to read. I am finishing the After series and the tears won't stop. the final chapter starts off not how I want it at all but that's not ehh I'm crying. I'm crying because without After there will be nothing to distract me from the pain I am feeling within. I finish the novel and retreat to social media sites looking at edits.
I decide to watch some TV before bed. my mom comes out to say goodnight and hands me ice cream, I accept and begin to eat it out of the carton. "where were you today? it's like you were hiding from me", my worried mother says. "I'm hiding from the world", I weakly reply.
Another what felt like hours shower. just sitting there under the running water from the facet and my eyes. I have a small cut and the hot water stings it. I welcome the pain. I sit there under the water after a few minutes I change the temperature from extremely hot to extremely cold. after a few seconds of sharp pain the water numbs my body just like I knew it would. I put my face under the icicles I find my self gasping for air but I liked it. I liked not breathing.
