lifesick ; homin

z e ř ó

{ trigger warning ! 🙏🏻 }

this chapter contains a mention of self harm and pls don't read it if you're uncomfortable!! thank you !

changmin throws his look to his dark room, wondering why is he still alive? he just hoped he can die for his own good.

no reason particularly, he was tired living a non-purpose life. probably he was just tired, but his feelings, he wants to die. a little part of him wants to know how people around him reacts to his death ; which is quite impossible since he's clearly wouldn't have known since he's already dead.

but, perhaps, maybe minho would feel a little sad by his death while kyuhyun whould have lost his drinking buddy. but changmin never thought of his family's reaction of his death. probably they would be sad right?

changmin finally gets up from his bed. wandering , he doesn't know what he was doing other than walking back and front.

he grabs a razor blade in the bathroom, wondering what should he have done in his life. he cuts himself, more precisely, his finger. leaving some traces of blood on his fingers.

he does feel some pain, but it only stays for a while. he doesn't like the idea being cut by a razor blade, maybe he should've tried another thing.

he looks down to the dripping blood from his finger. maybe he should have a girlfriend or a soulmate. maybe with that he will feel something.

suddenly, his phone rangs from outside, awakens changmin from his thought of maybe's.

changmin walks slowly, grabbing a band aid on his way to the phone which was effortlessly on the bed, he hasn't touched the phone for the day.

he answers the call since it was from his friend, kyuhyun.

" hey you're coming? " the other sounds off on the phone.

" to where? " changmin plays it on speaker so he can put the band aid around his finger.

" to work, you idiot. it's monday!" the other sounds mad. mad enough to make changmin ends the call.

" already ? " not that changmin finds it amusing,he just wishes the day to be quicker than he expected but he was taking time in the bathroom quite while.

" i'm going, " changmin ends the call, walking out from his apartment since he's already wearing his work suit on.
he turns on the engine, the thought of his miserable life makes he wants to drive his car to a hole and let himself die.

but at least he wants to try to go to work.

after 12 crappy hours working, changmin can finally goes home. he drives himself home, without greeting kyuhyun at all. he was devasted. he doesn't know why he was devasted, but he is. he is sad of his life.

he is sick of his life.

changmin finally stops at the convenience store near his apartment. he ought to buy some dinner for him to eat.

he was stopped by a bottle of animal poisoning at the cardboard near the soju part.

hes stops, looking at the poison carefully, wondering.

" can i die just by drinking this ? "

this would be easier than any other ways right ? he didn't hesitate to put the poison inside his trolley. he can finally hums on his way home.

walking to his apartment, he puts the food aside while the poison on his left hand.

should he drink this ? what will happen ? thoughts clouding him at that moment. he sighs, before walking to his room, laying on the bed while he throws the bottle of poison away. he can hear the glasses shattered on the floor, but he doesn't mind it actually.

little did he know, he fell asleep on his own.

changmin wakes up by his dream, he lazily walks out from his apartment, to the rooftop.

making his way to the rooftop, he stops awhile, before walking again.

he stands at the corner of the rooftop, staring at the ground which he can see people just like he see ants marching through the busy day.

he sighs before taking a step forward, before taking another step back.

he lets out a tear unknowingly, looking up to the sky.

" why wouldn't you take my life sooner ? " he spoke to one of the clouds. he knows there's somebody listening. but why wouldn't the person grants his wish ? he wants to die.

changmin gets on his knee, hugging them as he cries.

he runs back to his apartment, ignoring all the residents in the apartment that was staring weirdly at him.

he walks weakly to his room, he accidentally steps on a piece of shattered glass he threw yesterday.

the room was dark, dark enough that he can't even see himself.

he picks up the shattered glass, drawing it up to his wrist.

" goodbye world " he cuts his wrists clearly, feeling the pain in his wrist with red fluids flowing out thickly.

changmin flops on his knees, his legs were weak. it's hurts. he closes his eyes as he cuts his another wrist.

" this is why i'm still lonely,, " his voice echoes through the apartment, his memory finally getting fuzzy.

he thinks he already dead, maybe, but why can he still sees the light around him ? he opens his eyes slightly, familiar body sitting infront of him.

shaking his body as he gets more unconscious.

" changmin ! get up ! " it was totally Minho'svoice. which slightly echoes through changmin's eardrums.

no, just leave me alone, changmin screams internally. too bad he was too in pain to scream it out.

" shit what should i do ? " the voice suddenly fades away as changmin closes his eyes, wishing that he already in hell.