Notes To You

To The One Who Makes or Breaks My Day

Dear Sweetheart,

I'm scared.

Wait, scratch that.

I'm terrified.

My days depend on you, unfortunately. I'm so emotionally dependent on you. If we don't talk during the day, I get so upset. This terrifies me because the last time this happened, I was hurt, so horribly bad.  Which is something you don't quite know about yet. I trust you, and I want to tell you. I promised myself though that I wouldn't do that. I didn't want to open up to you guys. I just wanted to work. Yet, here we are. I have been so close to opening up to you. But everytime, I remember you guys have wives, children and an actual life. You shouldn't have to worry about me. There's a voice that keeps telling me it's okay if I want to tell you though. That I shouldn't worry. Everytime, I pull back without a doubt. Only because I can't be screwed over again like the first time. Eventually you will learn about the hardships that I've endured. Eventually you will learn why I panic when you guys jokingly raise a hand at me. Eventually you will learn my way of hiding anxiety and depression from you. And you will know that just in the sound of my voice, that something is not okay. But for now, I don't expect you to play therapist. I just want you to be my friend.

You see, the thing is, I don't have a lot of friends. I have people who mean the world to me, but only talk to on occasion because of what we are both going through right now. I have brothers who avoid home at all cost, and even when they are home, they avoid me. I have parents who hide everything away from me. Which is another reason as to why I am so nosy with you guys. I have been left in the dark for so many things. And I'm scared of the dark. So I know I can come off nosy or obnoxious sometimes, but I don't mean to. I like the feeling of knowing what's going on and I like the feeling of being included in things. No doubt though that I am still new and trying to get used to boundaries and limits and things. Which is another reason why I'm scared to open up to you.

I don't want to push one of your boundaries. And I don't know how you'll react to the things I tell you. At the same time, I want you to understand why I do things, why I say things, why I'm so anxious, or even why I am who I am. I can tell you now that I am so broken because of people who seemed so good who turned so bad screwed me over with the bat of an eyelash.

I know you care about me, I know you would protect me because that's the kind of guy you are. But you have to remember, in the 19 years that I've been alive, I've been screwed over plenty of times by people like you. So let me be cautious, let me worry, let me be anxious. Because once I open up, I fully trust you with everything. I won't be able to stop telling you things because at the same time that I want to hide everything, I love telling people my story. It's my story, and I want to preach it. Right now, I'm at the age where people will listen but won't necessarily learn from me. You guys are much older than me, so I don't expect that to happen. I do want to share with you everything though because then I know you'll open up to me, then I can truly believe that you are my friend. And maybe we won't be besties forever, but I will know that you will always be at my side to hold me up. 

Back to the point of this message, you are the one who makes or breaks my day. Which I haven't had in a long time. I'm still adjusting to this feeling again, and I'm trying to pull back. And you don't make it easy that's for sure. We are very much the same people. You are as insecure as I am. Which is another thing we get a long on. I might tell you about my genetic weight soon. But thank you for playing my therapist(even when I didn't need one), thanks for helping me come out of my shell(which apparently we're still doing), and for just being my friend. I wish the summer were longer but I will be back next year hopefully.

Sincerely,

Honey 

P.s. Your secret is safe with me.