Notes To You

Why I Am Okay With Being Single

Lately this is something I've been thinking about. I've been looking in the mirror and thinking to myself,"Why do I not have a boyfriend? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not thin enough? Why?" But, I've also been thinking a lot about the guys that I typically have a crush on or find myself taking an interest in. And I'm starting to understand why I don't go for the guys that maybe I should be with, rather than the guys that I shouldn't be with.

I look back on my first boyfriend and consider why that relationship didn't work out. When I first met him we got along almost instantly. I first friended him on Facebook and we messaged each other right then and there and instantly became close. He was the perfect first boyfriend almost. Let's call him Subject A. Subject A was very much a good guy. He would tell me he loves me, he would always kiss me goodbye and say goodnight to me. In retrospect he was a good starter. Except for one thing. Subject A was not more experienced but more ready then I was. There was one day we're we were making out behind the bleachers when he had me grab his dick through his pants. Through the rest of the day I felt like a slut. In retrospect that wasn't really the right word to describe it, but that was how I felt because I wasn't ready.

We broke up 3 months later do to the fact that he was more ready for things then I was. After that relationship had ended, I was single until grade 10. Which is where I met,(if you've read my other chapters), "Conrad".

Conrad was exactly who I needed him to be. At this point I was fully prepared for everything that he was giving to me, and I was fully prepared to give everything to him. We dated for a year. He was the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I was so blinded by all of the good things about him, that I missed out on some of the major bad things about him. During a camping trip in June, I had a lot of time to think about my relationship with him. I realize that this was not the relationship that I wanted to be in. Conrad was no longer what I needed him to be. As soon as I got home I went and saw him. He told me that he wanted to skip out on college and instead just spend the rest of his life working in a factory. He also told me that he wanted to buy a house two doors down from his parents, and he wanted me to move in. That way my parents had no control over me and we could do whatever we wanted. I was 17 at the time. And maybe that sounds older to some but it also sounds a lot younger to a lot. This was a monumental moment for me because I realized I was going to be settling if I spend rest of my life like this. And one thing I had always promise myself to do is never to settle. No matter how insecure with myself I may be I would never ever settle for anything less than the best because I know I deserve it.

So now you may be wondering why I titled this chapter Why I'm Okay With Being Single. Well the reason that the title of the chapter is what it is is because in my area there is only country boys and want to be gangsters and guys that I could only settle for. But as you may have learned by now I don't settle for anything less than the greatest.

And maybe that makes me sound like a prude or headstrong or totally pretentious, but I know what's best for me. And the best for me is not going backwards always going forwards. When I was in grade 9, I was having a really rough time so I went and I saw a therapist and this is when I had my first boyfriend,  Subject A. And one of the things that she had told me was to never let anyone drag you backwards. If you're on a journey forwards then you can't let anyone bring you back.

I want to make something of myself. I can't spend my life waiting around or not doing what I love. I've spent enough time waiting for my moment in the sunshine, so no longer will I let someone else take control of the clouds, because I am the sun and I shine in my own light. And if that means that I spend the rest of my life being single and so be it, but I will never ever settle for less than what I deserve.