Mask of Celibacy: A Multimedia Novella

8 ¦ Sexual Attraction: Take II

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March 12, 1999

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Some of you messaged me the other day to tell me that my post on sexual attraction was a bit too abstract. Sorry about that. Must be all those papers I'm writing for school! ;)

This post will be more fun! :)

As a little reminder, I'm reposting the definition of sexual attraction included in my last post. Don't mind the dense language. It's the only crazy bit of the today's entry, I promise.

Sexual attraction is an innate, biologically pre-programmed response to a set of physical, mental, or emotional stimuli that prompts a desire to engage in any form of sexual activity in order to either catalyze a potential relationship or deepen an existing relationship with a particular person.

Whew! That's a mouthful--you're right. I can almost hear you guys saying, "Dude, WTF? I've read more entertaining books on geometry."

So let's take a look at that nuttiness in a less academic way. I'm going to break down each part and comment on all the assumptions behind the definition.

1. Sexual attraction, or a lack thereof, is not a choice.

You want to bang guys? Great. Girls? Cool. Both? Awesome. Neither? Sweet.

Either way, it's not a choice, my friend.

You are hard-wired to find certain genders attractive candidates to ride into the sunset. Even though I find men both aesthetically and romantically attractive, sex itself has always been uninteresting for me. That's just how I'm made. 

If you can have chocolate cake (romance) why choose angel food cake (sex)?

In a PM, someone asked me: Can you defy your programming?

Sure! I'm not a robot any more than you are. I'm not unable to have sex or repulsed by it. But that's not going to be my 'first choice' or my innate preference for showing love and affection.

Defying your orientation is possible, but having sex to please your partner doesn't qualify as sexual attraction. It's a compromise.

That's equally true for societal compromises, what I like to call 'conditioned socialization'. If I have sex because I'm taught that's how adult relationships work, that doesn't change the lack of sexual attraction I feel on the inside. It just means I'm going through the motions to fit in.

Sure, I can make a big exception for that one special person in my life. But that is a compromise for someone I love, not necessarily sexual attraction.

It also doesn't mean I love them any less.

2. There has to be a stimulus originating from an actual person.

Watching erotic films? Doesn't count.
Reading erotic books? Doesn't count.
Movie scene? Doesn't count.
Weird fantasy? Doesn't count.
Self-love? Doesn't count.
A picture of Brad Pitt? Doesn't count.
Dead man crush? Doesn't count.

These kinds of stimuli can arouse you, sure. But that's just your body waving at you and saying, "Hey, I'm here, and I'm working."

Libido alone doesn't translate into sexual attraction.