The Spiral of Acceptance

Chapter 8

Arctic felt as though a huge fog was cleared from his mind. But there was no feeling of freedom that came with it - all he could feel was dread and anger. Why did Zinnia have to meet John? Couldn't John have just - just vanished or something? He knew these thoughts were totally nonsensical but he couldn't stop them from rampaging inside his mind.

He felt filthy, tainted, as he always did when regaining control, but these feelings were multiplied tenfold as recalled Zinnia's terrified face when she ran. When she ran. When she ran away from.. From him.

The feeling left him feeling disgusted with himself. Maybe John was right - he was broken inside. He knew his liking of Zinnia was twisted, he only liked her because she saw him as not broken.

Now she would see him as what he truly was and he detested that, detested the fact that no one could ever love his true self.

Little did he know that Zinnia was still there, watching, hidden behind the pillar as she watched a whole theatrical of guilt and self blame play out on his face.

Arctic sighed and climbed off the table, taking a tissue from his pocket to wipe the blood off the table. He winced a little - okay, more like a lot, it was very painful - as the fabric of his school uniform brushed against his hand wound. Making a disgusted face, with he scrunched up the tissue he had used which was now stained with blood.

Frowning, he realised that the wound was on his right hand, and he was right handed. Groaning with annoyance, he took out a plaster with his other hand - why didn't he think of that before? - and slowly pasted it on his palm.

He felt like that plaster. Something woefully inadequate for a bigger wound that was John.

He felt lost in a sea, lost with only a single anchor that didn't even let him swim towards land.

He knew this train of thought would lead him to wondering about suicide.

The blue eyed boy shook his head, trying to clear the "poetic but morbid" thoughts now running laps within him.

You're special. You are special enough to be the minority of people with DID who haven't - no, will not - commit suicide.

But why not enjoy that sweet relief and grace the world with his absence?

These thoughts were familiar pathways that no longer had any design but the wearing down made by his footsteps - he had walked this route too many times to count.

The only way to stop it was to convince himself that -

"John will win if you commit suicide." It was Zinnia who spoke, stepping forward into Arctic's gaze, almost like an angel to save him.