The Spiral of Acceptance

Chapter 9

A/N: Why does autocorrect keep changing pillar to Pillar?!

Zinnia didn't know why she stepped out from behind the pillar. She didn't know why she said those words, she didn't know why she was being such a hypocrite, telling Arctic to not commit suicide. Goodness knows she had thought of doing the same herself.

But there was something about the sudden coldness wrestling with humanity on Arctic's face that called to her. It was something twisted, horrible, disgusting, but it called her, because she had done the same thing - she still did the same thing, everyday.

What did Arctic have to commit suicide about, though? At least he had the relief of not being him, the excuse that it hadn't been him in control, destroying lives. Zinnia had no such excuse - no, life was hers and hers alone. There was no one to blame when she disappointed her parents, when she laughed at her brother - her brother - when she wanted to hurt Kimberly as she had hurt Zinnia.

Even thinking about all the mistakes made Zinnia want to crawl into a blanket and hide from the world, like she did when she was little. But unlike when she was little, there was a blond boy she had to convince.

Arctic looked at Zinnia hopelessly. She gave him a sad smile - an understanding smile that really understood and didn't just pretend to - and seated herself on the table beside him.

"How did you know I was thinking about... Committing suicide?" Arctic asked her conversationally, as if it were just another school topic.

"I..." Zinnia found herself unable to say anything. Arctic gave her an encouraging grin.

"Because I want - wanted to do it too." she blurted out.

"Why?" the boy asked, wondering what problems Zinnia could have.

"My family and Kimberly, they just overwhelm me and I can't stand it. All they know how to do is make me feel worse. Did you know Kimberly sends me a daily degrading text and my parents want to thank her?" Zinnia ranted, the words flowing out easier now that she had already confessed that she wanted to commit suicide.

"Why? What kind of [unprintable] parents would do that? What kind of [even more unprintable] best friend would do that? You have messed up relations," declared Arctic.

"Well, at least I'm not crazy," retorted Zinnia. The second she said it, her hands flew to her mouth.

"It's okay. It's fine. It's really fine. I'll just go," Arctic said hurriedly, near tears. Zinnia sat, motionless, as she watched the only person who actually understood her run away from her.

How she wished she had another identity to blame for it.