A Faded Memory

6//Another Day, Another Breakdown

"That's it," Shae announces.

"Hm?"

"You're not wasting another day moping around like a depressed human."

"I just miss her."

"I know you do darl but moping around like this isn't going to make things any better," Shae comforts, pulling me into a rib crushing hug.

"I know but I just feel lifeless, I just don't know anymore," I shrug.

"You know what you need?" Shae asks, full of hope.

"A personal mental asylum, a therapist, a counsellor?" I answer.

"No, you need to relax," she answers, full of happiness.

Why can't I just be positive and all that jazz? Oh yeah because my sister is gone. The only real reason I'm even alive, ripped away from me. Call me pathetic all you like, I don't care. My sisters missing and it's effected me quite negatively. She's my rock, what did you expect? Me to be skipping around like I've won the lottery or something?! I internally scream at the top of my lungs.

Mads, if you're reading this, please come home. I'm missing you like there's no tomorrow.

I curl up into a ball on my bed and burst into tears as all the memories flood back. Gosh I'm an emotional wreck aren't I? I open my mouth to let out a scream of emotional pain but nothing comes out. Just like every other emotional breakdown, I soon struggle to get my breathing in tact. I let out a gasp as my lungs are slowly, but surely drained of all air.

"Why?" I whimper, the tears still falling like a waterfall of course.

I hear the door click signalling that Shae had left the room so I can have my moment in peace.

Maybe Shae's right. I need a distraction, and there's no better distraction than binge watching 13 Reasons Why again?
The opening lines of episode one, Tape One, Side A fills the room.

Hey, it's Hannah. Hannah Baker. That's right. Don't adjust your...whatever device you're hearing this on. It's me, live and in stereo. No return engagements, no encore, and this time, absolutely no requests. Get a snack. Settle in. Because I'm about to tell you the story of my life. More specifically, why my life ended. And if you're listening to this tape you're one of the reasons why. I'm not saying which tape brings you into the story. But fear not, if you received this lovely little box, your name will pop up. I promise.

The opening music for episode two begins to play as the door opens and Shae walks back in.

"This won't help you Mae, it's about a girl who killed herself."

"Nah really?" I reply sarcastically, eyes fixed to the screen.

"Who had an extra serve of bitchflakes this morning gosh," Mackenzie pipes up as she walks past.

"Oh my god Mackenzie! Just shut up not everything concerns you or is about you!" I scream angrily.

"Yep, definitely need to cut down on the bitchflakes sis," Mackenzie confirms in a matter-of-factly tone.

I just roll my eyes at her as I get up to shut to door, more or less slam it right in that picture perfect little face of hers. I'm not usually a violent person I swear, well maybe towards that little brat but besides her it takes a lot.

"And before you start about violence isn't the answer, I know. I'm not stupid but she just really gets on the tip of my last nerve," I retort, going straight back to my bed to fall into my coma of binge watching my 13 Reasons Why.

"I'm not even going to try to convince you, I wouldn't know where to start," Shae replies.

"Good idea, because that's not even close to how bad I can and will get if need be, and I know I probably need anger management," I say, still fixed to the television screen of course.

"You know what? I'm just gonna go, you're in a dangerous mood and I don't want to be your next victim but call if you need me yeah?" Shae says in a worried tone as she walks out and down the hall.

I paused the episode and went to my thinking corner. It's where I go to have a proper think about things without distractions okay you judging humans. I decided maybe I needed to think about how Madalyn's disappearance had effected me. I grabbed my notebook that I wrote everything down in and found the next empty page and answered the questions;

1. What's the situation? My triplet has gone missing.
2. How have I reacted? Negatively.
3. How so exactly? More emotional, been getting triggered easier than usual, negative mindset, feeling hints of depression coming through again.

And that was the page done. For those of you wondering, yes I have depression and it was getting a lot better but now that this tragedy has happened, I haven't had the mental stability to stay strong anymore.

I close the notebook and put it back in it's compartment under the seat and glance down at my legs. Why my legs? Because why not man? The faint white marks become visible once again and the flashbacks come flooding back like a tidal wave. A tear rolls down my cheek, soon followed by others as I breakdown completely once again. You know because a second breakdown was just what I needed hey?

I just sit there and cry like a weak, pathetic little girl would. I hear footsteps go past my room but no one dares to enter. Without Madalyn I'm just not myself. Like the Snickers ad, you're not you when you're hungry. Except, I'm not hungry, I just want my sister back. She's my lifeline, my life support, my rock, anything else you could possibly think of. Yes, Shae and some others have been there when I need them but Madalyn's been there through the thick and thin of it all.

I just find it so crazy how the human body reacts to a loss of something or someone they love. I probably overreact but that's a family trait, I can't do much about that one. Why do I have to be so unlucky to be hit with it by anything? Like maybe I've lost my earphones, sure I can buy new ones but I freak out about losing them anyways. I react over the littlest of things, always have and most likely always will.