Learning To Live

Chapter 13

How could i give up now though? I had been through too much. In movies and books, the hero always has a breakdown where they do not think that they will be able to do something that they can. The hero always has a bad moment where they want to just drop everything and give up. Where they want to leave in the middle of a battle and never look back. Where they do not wish the life of a hero always being on the run, never being able to go back. This must be my downside. The bad part of my story was now. If i could just hold on for a little longer, i would be able to come out on top and be the hero of my story. I would not let everybody that was counting on me down and that was a promise.

I was going to fight. I had to fight. If i did not fight, then i had nothing to fight for and i did not want my life or the things that came after death to be not fighting for the one thing that i believed in. I would fight for the one thing that i believed in and if i did not make it until the end, i would at the very least go down fighting for this one believed in thing. I did not want my entire experience in my being and existence to be for no reason. I wanted something to dedicate myself to and i knew that the thing that i needed to dedicate myself to was to use myself to save the world. Also, in the process of saving the world, i would also save lives.

Saving lives is something that i think everyone wants to do deep down. Even if people do not choose that path in life at first, everyone eventually comes back to it at some point. I want to believe that this was what i was meant to do. Save lives, change the world, make a difference, and make the rest of the world a safer place for everyone. I had always had the feeling of wanting to help someone. Maybe everyone has this feeling. There was only one thing to do when i got this feeling and it was to take action. I had to do whatever it took to get out of here and get back on track with my mission. I had to do what i needed to in order to get where i wanted to go with what i wanted to do.

I really tried then to get out of my restraints. I pulled and pushed my already sore hands and wrists to try to maneuver my way out of the bonds. My wrists were rubbed raw and appeared pink after about a minute of trying to get free. If i kept going, my wrist were surely going to start bleeding but there was no way that i was stopping now. I could not stop now after all of my hard work to get where i was and my determination to go much farther than where i currently was. I was going to be that dedicated person who would succeed. There was no giving up involved in my plans at this point. I had gone too far to give up.

I tried to keep my wrists still to ease the pain but they burned anyway. I must have gotten rope burn. Tears welled up in my eyes but i was not able to wipe them away. These tears fell into the ground and pounded the dirt. However, these were not sad tears. My tears were angry tears. The kind of tears that come from when you are so angry that there is no other way to express yourself besides crying. As more and more tears leaked out of my eyes, a flood started. Soon, the dirt below my face was wet. The loose bits of dirt became a little bit muddy and i had to scoot back to avoid putting my face in the wet parts of the dirt.

I cried for my lost life and my lost family. I cried for myself and my situation. I even cried for Aily who i missed so much. I felt like i would give anything just to ride her one more time, maybe even feel like i was flying just once more. My tears did not slow down for a long time. So long that i felt as if i would not be able to stop them. I had saved all of these tears up since i had died. I had not cried for all of this time until now. Although, it was okay to show weakness. It was okay to cry. Again, i was not sad, i was angry and my anger was because of everything that had happened to me. How had this happened? Who had let this happen? Why was i the only one that had to go through this? Why me?

That was the award winning question, though. The only question that actually mattered in the broader range of all questions in the universe. Nobody had ever been able to answer that question. Why me? Well, maybe because it was meant to be. Maybe i had been chosen to succeed or chosen to fail. Maybe i had been meant to be the lesson to others to be more careful and to not ever give up. I was the one who had chosen this life anyway. Maybe i was just not supposed to be living this life in the afterlife. I had fought with destiny and lost. I had fought with life and lost. I had fought with the afterlife and lost. I had lost.