Learning To Live

Chapter 15

 Usually, when people wanted to commit suicide, they jumped off of a high building. What was the tallest building in town? I thought about when i had roamed the streets of the town. What had the highest building been? A light went off in my head as i pictured the four story balconies of the town hall building. It was fancy and also the tallest building in town. I spun around, trying not to use my feet too much, and went as fast as i could go to the town hall. Unfortunately, the town hall was on the other side of town and so i decided to fly instead of run.

This time, when i took off, it was better than the two times i had done it before. I was actually able to keep my eyes open this time. I sailed through the air but only for a short time until i neared the town hall on the other side of town. It was one of the fanciest buildings in town but also one of the tallest. I had a feeling deep inside that Han was there. When i was close enough to the building that i was able to pick out specific details, i looked on every single balcony but there was no sign of Han. There were balconies on the other side of the building though and so i circled around the town hall to the other side of the building.

I again searched all of the balconies on the back side for Han. There he was. He was on one of the balconies on the highest floor. From that height, he would immediately die when he fell to the ground. If Han managed to jump off of that balcony, then there would be no way that i could save him. I would fail my mission. But that was not going to happen. I went to the balcony that Han was on and slowed down once i neared it. I went so slow so that when i got to it, i was able to kind of crash into the building in which i went right threw. My feet started to go through the floor and i pulled my feet in close to my body to stop them. I had stopped flying but since i had started to go down, i continued to float in the air. I went back out to the balcony by flying right through the wall. I approached Han by floating towards him. I came up really close to his side.

"Do not do this", i told him.

Han looked around, wondering where the thought had come from. He shook his head as if to clear it of those thoughts. Then, he got up onto the edge of the balcony. He balanced there on his heels and swayed from side to side. He did not jump off, however, so i still had time to save him. I still had time to complete my mission. I still had time to do what i came here to do. I decided to try again.

"Do not do this. You are meant for more."

He shook his head again as if refusing to believe me. I could not tell him any information. It was not my decision to inform him of things. I was forbidden to. I could not do anything else. It was his choice if he really was intent on dying. I only hoped that he would choose to live on. If he was meant to die, he would have died already. But he was not meant to die. He was meant to live.

Han leaned forward.

"No. Do not do this."

He did not listen to me at all because he gave no response. His life had no reason anymore and so he leaned just a little bit too far. There was nothing i could do to stop him. I tried anyway though. I reached out to grab him but my hand just went right through him. A sound came out of my mouth as he fell through the air. Time slowed down to a crawl. I felt every moment like a stab in my heart. Every moment seemed to rip me to shreds and then put me back together again. Pain seared through my vision and made my eyes go teary. I could not let this happen. I would not be responsible for the death of Han.

Questions floated through my head. Why was i not good enough? Why did he have to jump off of the balcony of the town hall? How could this have happened? How could i have let this happen? How could this have happened at all? I had been so careful. I had made sure that i found Han. But this was not over yet.

I went down and flew down the side of the building. I saw Han on his way down. His eyes were closed. His facial expression was one of happiness and finally being free. It was as if he had waited his entire life for this. As if he thought that he was alive only to die. His brown hair flew back but since it was cut short, it looked like it was sticking straight up. I screamed at him with all of my frustration. How could he have done this? Not only to himself but to me? Maybe i was just being selfish but i did not want him to die. I wanted to complete my mission. I felt guilty though for only wanting to succeed when the life of a person was on the line. I could not help it though.

Sometimes a person had to be selfish every once in awhile. Without being selfish now and then, a person would never get anywhere. If someone let everyone else get in front of them, then a person would go nowhere in life. That person would just be taken advantage of over and over again. That is why a person could not be nice all the time. There was a difference between being too nice and just nice. However, i still felt guilty for really only caring way more about myself doing what i needed to do instead of the life of a person. This person was still living after all, unlike me since i was dead. I should care more about human life, right? But sometimes, people just needed to not care about life. Sometimes, it was better to be careless if you are going to get hurt by being too caring.

I brought my attention back to Han. He was almost to the ground then. Time was still stretched out. It felt as if each moment lasted a lifetime unto itself. Each moment lasted a year in my mind. It felt as if i lived multiple lifetimes in the span of this one second. I thought of everything i had been through and how i had survived it all so far. How could i have failed at this? I had always done okay before in my life and death all up to this point. Would i have done alright only to have failed now. I could barely even think of the word fail. Han had not even died yet. He was basically suspended in the air as i floated in the air thinking about all of this.

Time started up again. I saw Han get closer and closer to the ground. I tried to reach out again but i never would have gotten there in time anyway. I could not do anything as i watched my mission disappear before my very eyes. Everything i had tried to do was gone. Everything that i had put my heart into doing was going to be destroyed. Everything was going to implode along with the life of one single person. This person would crack my heart.

I did not know why i put so much into this mission. Many people failed their missions, in fact. Many returning souls to the land of the dead came back after mission that had failed miserably. But this was my first mission. I wanted this mission to go smoothly. I wanted to win. It never felt good to lose what you really wanted to win. It was like all of your hopes and dreams being crushed in one second. Years and many lifetimes becoming gone, going up in a puff of smoke, all because of one mistake. All because of one mess up in which the cost was everything that was cared and dreamed about.

Han kept getting lower and lower. He was almost to the ground. A car was parked right where he was going to land. At the very last second, i turned away and closed my eyes. I squeezed my eyes shut while i raised my hands. I covered my ears and tried to pretend as if this was not happening. I did not want this. This was not the way that he was supposed to die. He was supposed to die only after he had carried out the entirety of his life. He was not supposed to die young.

A crash sounded. I heard a couple crashes in close proximity short after the first one sounded in the silent world. The world seemed as if it was holding its breath and waiting for the worst part to be over. Han had just breathed his last breath and seem his last image. Watching death happen while not being able to do anything was torture. I could not believe what the world was telling me had happened. I could not help it anymore, then. I had to finally open my eyes to see what i knew had already been carried out in the world. It was impossible to look away once i had seen what i had seen and my curiosity got the better of me as i finally looked as the result of the suicide attempt of Han.

His eyes were open. They had a glass-like appearance as Han laid on the ground. His arms were spread out on either side of him. His legs were both at odd angles in which one was underneath his body. Overall, Han had too many broken bones and whatever else might have been ripped apart by the landing. I did not want to look but i was unable to look away. The body of Han made me stare at my hopes and dreams being crushed along with him. What was i going to do now? Was i just going to sit back and be like this forever? I had already gone through this once. I had already been captured. I had already been treated horribly. I had already failed but then gotten back up. I was not supposed to fail again. I was supposed to win when the second time came around. This was not supposed to go like this. Han was not supposed to die.