Never Thought

#1. Guilt

Forth's POV

I still cant get what was happened last night. I wasn't that drunk, I could say I was 70% sober when I did 'that', but I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop. Now I'm sitting on Lam's chair, looking at a beautiful man right in front of my eyes. My drinking buddy. My friend. I still couldn't believe it. Why it has to be this man?

I try to put my earphone, try to think calmly while listening to music, but I put it down and turned off the music because my mind wants to be focused on seeing this guy. I look at some of his exposed body (because some of it is covered with this light grey duvet). I study the details start from his thick hair, thick eyebrows, his closed eyes, his nose, his philtrum, his light pinkish lips, his chin, his neck, his ears, his shoulders, his chest, and all. He has two small pimples on his right cheek and chin. He has a light mustache. Damn, I like it. Moreover, I like his arm and legs hair. I need to hit my head, again.

(A/N: Bonfire Heart by James Blunt. This song is the song that Forth's trying to listen. Personally, I like the lyrics, "Days like these lead to. Nights like this leads to. Love like ours. You light the spark in my bonfire heart". I think it suits to ForthBeam, somehow.)

I take the cigarettes and smoke it, waiting for him to wake up while thinking the consequences for what I did. If I think again about what happened, the fact is, he was the one who asked me to do it. He begged for it. I just did what he asked. So, where my fault is? But if I use my feelings, of course I felt guilty. I mean, how could I don't? He's my friend, we weren't that close, but still, I should have rejected him at the first place and left him before I released my lust for him. While I'm thinking about it all, he moves.

"Hey.." I said, tried to be calm. He opens his eyes, staring at the ceiling for a while then looked at me, emotionless.

"Hey." He said still without any expression.

"Beam.. Aren't gonna say something about this?" Damn. I feel guilty. I was so cruel to him last night. I've never been that cruel for my whole life. And I've never felt that elated doing 'it' with someone.

"What do you want me to say?" he said while whimpering. I don't know what to respond. I hurt him. Hurt his body, hurt his pride, and maybe hurt his heart too. He may hates me now. Last night we were still friends, and now, I just don't know. It changed suddenly. It's like now the sun still shines, and right a minute later storm comes.

"Hey.. You can yell at me, swear on me, even punch me. Just don't be this quiet." I mean it. I might be stronger than him, but if he wants to punch me, so be it.

"Nothing. Just.. Don't smoke in front of me." he said it with some annoyed expressions.

"I don't like cigarettes. I hate the smell. It's not good for health anyway."

I'm still dumbfounded but I did what he asked, so I put it out.

"I'm sorry." I try to open the conversation again but he responds it like nothing's happened. "Nah. It's okay." He said.

"Your body.. Is it hurt?" I knew it would be hurt, but I want to make sure.

"Of course, dammit! I cant feel my legs! Why did you overdone it? Haven't sex for a century?"

Actually, I feel a lil bit relieved hearing him scolding me. Somehow I feel I could see the 'usual' Beam.

"But Beam.. I mean it. I'm really sorry for what happened."