To Mend Heartache

Letting Go

I found her sprawled on the foot of the bed. One of her hands was on her stomach, the other was bent at an awkward angle. I was paralyzed, not knowing why or how or what I should do next.

For a moment I just looked at her. I thought of how much I love her and how painful it would be to lose her. I thought of how whenever I have a bad dream, which is often, she is right there to sooth me. I think of the first time she was so cold that her teeth were chattering. I held her small hands in mine until they were warm. She told me, "They're warm now" and I told her, "They're mine now." But most of all, I think of how no matter how much I ignore her, how much I push her away, she is always there. She doesn't have a mean bone in her body, even though life has been very cruel to her. No matter how badly I treat her, she just smiles through it all.

But now, looking at her, unconscious and barely breathing, I know she's had enough. I rush to her side and brush away a few stray hairs. A tear drop splashes on her forehead and I just now notice that I'm crying. I wipe away my tears and call for help. It takes a few minutes for them to get here. While I wait I pray that I don't lose her or my baby.

***

I was currently in the hospital, hoping she'll wake up. I was listed as her emergency contact, which surprised me. No one but me even knows that she is here. She has been unconscious for two days now. I haven't left her side once. I don't eat much, or sleep. All that matters to me is that she wakes up.

***

Finally after days of waiting, I felt her fingers move. It startled me, I was dozing off and thought maybe I just imagined it. But then her eyelids began opening. I rushed out to find a nurse, or anyone that could help her. I'm told to wait a while so they could make sure she's okay. Her Doctor comes back and explains to me that she received a call a few days ago telling her the baby died inside of her. He tells me she must have overdosed on sleeping pills afterwards. They removed the baby from her when they pumped her stomach. "She's lucky to even be alive. The amount of pills she took could have killed her if you didn't find her when you did. She was lucky you were there."

I rush back to see her as soon as her Doctor says I can. She looks so fragile, yet still manages a small smile when she sees me.

"How are you?" I ask.

"Fine I guess." She says.

I ask her what I've been wondering since I found her a few days ago, what I'm too afraid to know, "Why did you do it? Why didn't you come to me after you received the call?"

"I don't know." She doesn't have to say anything, the answer comes to me as she looks down at her hands.

"I'm so sorry Diana. For everything. I was such a dick to you. I will never understand how you stayed with me through everything. I'll never be able to apologize enough." I say, crying now.

"I forgive you. I stayed with you because I loved you. I still love you but I can't be with you anymore. I'm sorry but the more I stay with you the more I loose myself."

"Please don't say that. We can work this out. I can change, I can be the person you deserve." I say, desperately trying to hold on to her.

"I can't Scott. You have to let me go." With this she turns away from me, expecting me to leave.

I get up and slowly walk away, hoping she'll change her mind but she doesn't. I can't help but think I screwed up the best thing that ever happened to me. I made the sweetest, kindest girl I have ever met want to kill herself. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself.