Thoughts and Tangents

My Problems Explained Pt1

Okay so here in going to break down everything I was trying to convey in the poem-like story. So what I did was break up the poem/ story into parts.

The Begginging of the Emotion Coaster

     In the beginning I said life for me was weird, well what I meant is that I feel like I see everything different from everyone else; I then go on to say that everyone would probably feel that way. I always think that I can't explain anything, I tell my self that because its a reason for me not to explain. I am afraid that others wouldn't understand, and that I would be left.
     The next few line explain how my mood is always different and that some days can be the very best and some aren't, pretty self-explainitory.

     I then go on to explain my life in a picture.
     I am in a middle of a giant green field with nothing but grass, the earth below it, and me on top of it.
I then tried to explain the surroundings; How normal life and normal areas are so far away from me. This is meaning that if I wanted to get somewhere in life or at all i would have to work for it, use all my energy to get there. The closer the building the easier they are to get to.

The Depression State of Mind

     So instead of pushing my self to get there, I end up digging a hole. A large brown hole, getting bigger and deeper because I swing and swing my spade over and over to the point where I cannot get out of the hole my self. This is where I get a little serious. This hole is a almost a metaphor of my mind and my mental problems. The constant digging to the point where I can't get out represent how when I put my self in a worse position whether I realize what I'm doing or not it feels like I can't stop until I'm helpless by my self.
     Then I stop and realize that I'm stuck in the hole and cant get out by my self. Being down in the hole after coming to my senses made me realize that the hole was dark and deep. 
This shows how I realize that I need help and how in in such a bad place in.
     The part where I yell for help, but no one helps me because I hide as soon as they reach out. This shows how I'm always asking for help subtlety and then I reject them or I ignore them.
      The reason is because I know I need help but I dont want to tell anyone why. I'm afraid. They will assume or think badly of those around me or they think worse of me or they will think I'm lying or making things up
And so I lie or I tell a half truth. I dont want my life to change, but I do. I can't I can't I can't. I'm afraid something is going to happen to me. I'm afraid.

     Now is where I ask all these rhetorical questions like Why?
Why would someone not want help? Who would hide? That's stupid right?! My point I'm trying to get across here is that something in my head is saying all these thing that I'm afraid of.

The Anxiety

   Something in my head is imagining all the What ifs. But you see one thing about anxiety is that not only does it make you imagine all the horrible "What if"s it makes you believe that its actually happening even thought you know its not. Its like its shows you all the possiblities where things go wrong over and over and all these "What if"s turns to "What would I do" , "How can I protect myself",
"How could I stop this from happening". And this " I'm afraid " isn't get your teddy bear and candy and all will be goody gumdrops. This " afraid" is panicking thinking what would I do when my life or death situation comes. This "afraid" is being paralyzed becaude you can't move or something big is going to happen and end everything. This "afraid" is being so scared that you have to have someone with you whether in person or on the phone just someone you can hear or see so they could respond whenever that "What if" happens.

     If you couldn't really understand that, here is an example; Being home alone. For me I hate being home alone. Every time I am home alone I tend to freak out over every noise.
Do you remember a time where you're home alone and you hear a noise and get a little spooked. Its like that but times a million. For me when I hear that noise I freak completely out, my mind instantly goes to some one is breaking in there is someone in my house going to steal or hurt me. There is no more "if"s. Someone is here and I am in danger, everyone is in danger. I have to do something. My mind usually goes to witness. If I am on the phone with someone and I get hurt they can immediately get help and everyone will be good.

...To Be Continued...

July
Friday the 13th
2018