colours | m.y.g x j.j.k

0.6

After Namjoon and Taehyung sat with us for half an hour, just to make sure I was okay, they left Kookie to look after me. I slid off the jeans and jacket I was wearing, and lay beside Kookie under the covers. His warmth on my back comforted me, as his breathing eased me into a soft slumber. A steady wind picked up outside, rattling the window on the other side of the room. I rolled over to face the boy beside me, and opened my eyes. His eyelids fluttered softly, and his hair framed his sleeping face. His lips were parted slightly, as he breathed quietly, steadily. I closed my eyes once again, and nestled my head into the fold in the pillow. Quietly in my ear, Kookie began humming.

"Will you stay by my side? Will you promise me? If I let go of your hand, you'll fly away and break. I'm scared, scared of that,"

The lyrics to one of our older songs, Butterfly. Even half asleep, his voice was beautiful, as if it were recorded. As he started humming just the notes, I went over the words in my head. I recited the meaning of each line, reflecting on each word. The singer, all of the group, was scared to lose someone they loved. They didn't know wether to get closer, or to leave things where they were. They wanted to help, but weren't sure quite how to. And it suddenly hit me who helped write the lyrics.

Kookie had always been good at portraying how he felt, something I needed to learn. He wrote the song around three years ago, when I was in one of my worst lows. I could finally see how scared he really was to lose me. He always told me to never leave him, and to never try anything stupid again. I was so caught up in my own head that I didn't realise how true his words were. 

It genuinely didn't occur to me that what I was doing and saying impacted him so much. I gazed sleepily at his dozing figure, his form rising and falling with his faint breaths. I hated myself for hurting the person I loved most unintentionally, and wished for nothing more than to turn back the clock to fix things. The countless times he told me he loved me, I never responded. Especially not when it counted. I nestled closer to him, as he stayed unmoving. 

"I love you, Kookie. More than anything. Thank you," I whispered, planting a kiss on his forehead. I lay my head back down, and wrapped an arm around him. As I closed my eyes, he moved closer, and whispered in my ear.

"I love you, too," my heart fluttered for the first time in a long while, as I smiled to myself. I felt an arm wrap around me. I opened my eyes again, and was greeted by his warm, sparkling eyes. He reflected my features, smiling sweetly. He sat his head carefully on his hand, his elbow holding himself up. I moved back slightly, feeling the sleepiness drain from my brain, and coming to my senses with being awake. 

"Look, I'm sorry for... everything, really," I broke the beautiful silence, as Kookie looked down to me. He nodded, staying silent.

"I didn't know that what I was doing would hurt all of you. And I especially didn't want to hurt you. Honestly, I feel like shit just knowing I said some of the things I have to you. I just... don't understand. Why do you still care about me, after I messed up so many times?"

"Because," his eyes met mine, the hairs on my neck standing on end. "Do you remember the first day at the bridge?" 

My mind wandered back to the bright spring day, all seven of us in a euphoric state. It was the week after it was first built, and as it was out of the way of paparazzi,so we decided to check it out. When we walked out of the busiest part of town, we found the trees were cleared to reveal a shiny bridge connecting two parts of town, otherwise inaccessible by foot easily. We spent the day taking photos, making memories. It was the day Namjoon and Jin shared their first kiss. It was the day Kookie discovered his love for photography, the day Tae found his confidence. All of us cherished the memories of the bridge, so much so we marked our names in Hangul on the banister. And years later, I tried to end my life in the same spot.

"How can I forget?" I asked, wondering what his point could have been. He continued.

"Do you remember how I told you I loved you, like the countless other times? It was one of the only times you ever responded. You seemed so happy, and you smiled genuinely. Hyung, it was the only day where you didn't sulk alone, away from the world. You were happily enjoying whatever we were doing. I still have the photo," he trailed off, sitting up, and reaching for his phone. 

"I remember importing a few photos from the camera we took, and... here," he passed the phone to me, the sudden glare of the screen a surprise. As my eyes adjusted, the person who stared at me wasn't the person I remember. They were happy, smiling so wide their eyes closed. Two close friends by their side, they radiated an overwhelming sense of joy. I didn't immediately recognise them as myself, but the memories flooded back. Jimin, Tae and I were all playing a word game, when Jimin lost, incorrectly pronouncing something. Not even caring of his loss, Jimin's infectious laughter spreading to the rest of us. Kookie managed to snap the exact moment perfectly. 

"Hyung, seeing you so broken today hurt more than when you shut us out. You didn't just pretend to be okay when we all know you aren't. You... actually took down those walls. You were open, for a change. I just..." he looked into the distance, his breath near taken away from him. His arm tightened its grip around me, and I instinctively did the same.

"I just didn't know what to do. I saw the old you, the one from the day at the bridge. I didn't want to lose you again," his arm collapsed from under his head, as he lay down again. He turned to face me.

"Kookie, I can promise you one thing," I spoke carefully, knowing he'd never forgive me if I made a promise impossible to keep. "I will never shut you out. No matter what I'm thinking, or how bad or terrifying it gets, I will never stop talking to you again. I'll try better to listen to your advice, even if it's just to take my medication. Speaking of which, I actually remembered to take it before I slept," he smiled, and nuzzled into my chest. I held him close, breathing steadily as one being. After a while, my thoughts began to slow more, the noise of the window rattling in the wind faded out, and I had fallen into slumber.