It's cool to see from some else's point of view when something happens whether it's to see how they react physically or mentally. Sometimes it can be painful. I realized that when I began reading Mia's journal.
I want to stop reading it but I can't. Mia was like a drug and I was addicted. Her journal was the dealer. Her journal showed me a part of her I never really got to know.
Since I wasn't busy I decided to read more from Mia's journal.
Today I felt miserable. I am afraid.
I wish it would've been me instead of her. I should've been the one who got in the car accident. I should've died. This is unfair.
I want to see Ashton again before it's too late but I don't think I could do it. I don't think I would be able to tell him that I am dying. Just imagining myself telling him that then seeing his expression change from happy to see me to sad and upset breaks my heart.
When I woke up I said how I wanted to go on a break with you, Ashton. I was just confused because I just woke up. For me during that coma time was frozen but for everyone else it wasn't. They were carrying along with there everyday lives. I felt like I needed to catch up on everything I missed out on and get back on track instead of spending all my time on a relationship. I didn't want to go on a break but I had to because it is what I needed.
All of those times you called and texted me during the break I ignored them on purpose. I still am. You usually leave me voicemails but sometimes it's hard for me to listen to them. I can hear the pain in your voice.
My reason for ignoring them was because I didn't want to have to tell you I was dying. My dad wanted me to tell you instead of you finding out when it was too late but I couldn't. He doesn't even know we broke up and went on a break. If I can't even tell my own family that we went on a break how do people expect me to tell you, a boy I love so much, that I am dying? It's like being a superhero in a movie and having all these children look up to you and want to be like you because you are a hero but you tell them "It's just a movie. I don't really do heroic things. I'm just a person in a costume."
It's disappointing and I'm sorry.
Don't apologize, baby. It's okay.
Before I knew it someone grabbed the journal out of my hands. I looked up too see Michael flipping through the pages.
"What is this?" He asked."Is this your diary or something?"
"No. Now give it back." I said.
"Not until you tell me what this is." He told me.
"It's Mia's journal." I replied trying not to loose my temper.
"Why do you have this?" He questioned.
"Mia's dad gave it to me." I answered. "She wanted me to have it."
"Do you even read it?"
"Well yeah. She wrote some things in it to me. If you don't mind I'd like to finish it so if you gave it back to me that'd be wonderful."
"Oh right. I almost forgot that you two were pen pals and wrote cheesy love letters to each other! How romantic! I bet she just loved your horrendous spelling." He says ignoring my attempt to politely ask for the journal back.
"Shut up, Michael!" I spat. "We didn't write cheesy love letters."
"What's the point in reading it anyway if you know she's dead?" He asked. "That's like watching a movie just because your favorite celebrity is in it knowing that they die in the second scene."
He tossed me the journal. The hand that wasn't holding tightly on the journal was balled up into a fist. I tried not to loose my temper with him.
"She's just a girl, Ash. You need to move on. You need to forget about her and move on instead of crying about her and reading her journal. She's gone now and she sure isn't gonna come back from the dead and be your girlfriend again so get over it!"
What is his problem?
"What is wrong with you?" I asked, shocked that he could be so rude. "Do you even know what you are saying?"
"Yes and admit it Ashton, I'm not the only one who thinks that because everything I just said was true."
I turned around and stormed out of the room, slamming the door loudly on my way out. I walked down the hall of the hotel.
"Ashton wait!" Michael called from the doorway of the room we all shared.
I didn't wait. I kept walking. I decided not to take the elevator and just take the stairs. When I got to the exit that led to the stairs at the end of the hallway Luke and Calum walked up and were standing in front of me.
"Hey Ash we were about to come to see if you and Mikey wanted to come with us to get lunch with the guys?" Cal asked. (By guys he means the One Direction members and crew.)
I shook my head now and quickly made my way passed them and down the stairs. We were only on the second floor so we didn't really have many stairs to walk down.
Most likely there would be fans outside so I zipped up my hoodie, put the hood up, and put on my sunglasses before walking outside. I stared down at the ground until I was at least a block away from the hotel.
I just wanted to be alone and being out and about in town all by myself made me feel as alone as I'll probably get for a while.
