The next journal entry was later on.
Everyone has a battle they have to face in this world at some point in their lives. You have to be strong. People will always be rooting for you on the sidelines, always, Sometimes we don't always win. Winning and loosing both have different outcomes. In my case, I was loosing and my outcome wasn't looking too good.
My brain isn't healthy. I'm not healthy. I'm dying.
No. I can't be at this part right now. I closed the journal and walked to the other room so I'd be alone. I'd rather not have the boys watch me cry as I read this.
Since a young I knew I wanted to become a writer. I grew up a bit and went to college. I don't think I'll make it long enough to graduate.
Before it's too late, I am going to put this journal where someday Nikki will find and hopefully she'll give it to my dad. I hope he gives it to Ashton. I think it'd be best if he have it. Maybe he'll read it. Maybe he'll let it sit in a box for years then later discover it and have all the memories come back to his head.
I want Ashton to know that I did love him, always. In the time I have left, my heart continues to beat for him. He stole my heart and I stole his. And for that I am sorry. I'm sorry I had to leave and break your heart into billions of pieces.
Don't be sorry. It's okay. It was a priveledge to have my heart broken by you.
I want to yell and say she isn't leaving but it is too late. She's already gone.
If I had one wish it'd be for you to wake up one morning and forget about me forever.
I can't forget about someone who meant the world to me. I don't want to forget.
You deserve better. It's not fair to you. I hate seeing you sad. I hate myself for leaving and making you sad. I'm truly sorry, Irwin.
This is all happening too fast too soon. Each day is one day closer to me leaving. Each day I am leaving my dreams and wishes behind. On the last day I'll have no more dreams and wishes left. If I could turn back time for just one day, I'd go back to a day spent with you. I was so in love that I forgot what love was anymore.
If tomorrow I woke up with you right beside me, I'd hold you closer than I ever would before as I cry and tell you about my twisted dream.
This journal entry made me sad. It also made me feel bad for kissing her friend. I wish I would've know she was dying before she was already gone. I would've made her last days count.
I began crying a bit.
I really don't want to read the rest of the journal anymore. It's too hard. I probably won't be able to read the rest of the journal without crying.
I'm really not fine at all.
