You don't know me and I don't know you.
And that simple fact makes me feel better about releasing this.
I just want you to know a few things about me before we start...
I'm a 16 year old girl who isn't very confident. I'm scared of the little things, the big things, and the things that don't even exist.
I easily get social anxiety and I hate doing new things. Things that I don't usually do or have never done before.
I hate failing and letting others down. I have barely any friends because I don't know how to keep up with them.
I'm terrible at starting and carrying conversations.
I'm awkward and weird and pretty much a loner.
And that's okay.
I like being alone. I like living in solitude. I like being by myself.
Or at least, I think so.......
I try to leave my thoughts all the time. I escape my deep and life questioning thoughts every single day by distracting myself.
I'll write a story and get excited over my OCs, love them as my own because I don't have someone in my life like that.
I'll read a book and immerse my soul in the story, as if I'm there with a camera, watching the main character go through their life...just to avoid worrying about mine........
I'll draw pictures and focus on every line and curve, shade and highlight, detail and shape.
Because if I focus on my story, my life, my portrait of me.....I'm afraid I'll crack the dam I tried so fucking hard to build. A whole ocean of words, thoughts, and fears will drown me in less than a second.
And I'll go back to my depressive state.
I was lucky enough to crawl out of it by pretending everything will be fine.
But, as you can tell, it's most likely not....
I'm a 16 year old girl who is too afraid to get a job. Too afraid to move on with her life.
Too afraid to live in the world outside of my four bedroom walls.
I joke too much for my own good.
I joke around because it's like admitting the truth without the burden it usually carries.
It's light like a feather, full of humor and laughs, not taking anything seriously.
And the only people who laugh are the ones like me.
"How are you?"
"Still feeling dead inside!" *finger guns*
"How tall are you?"
"6 feet under" *puts on shades and acts smug*
"Where do you see yourself in the future?"
"6 feet under."
I need help. Probably.
